The Laughter Cemetery
- Thread starter Langers
- Start date
:icon_lol:
:icon_lol:
Paddingtonwolf
Flaming Galah
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2009
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- 8,411
If a pteradactyl goes to the toilet in the woods is there a noise?
No - the pee is silent
No - the pee is silent
BillyDee
Wants a more interesting tag
- Joined
- May 20, 2013
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I got thrown out of the local swimming pool for pissing in the water. I told the lifeguard, "but everyone does it sometimes".
"That may be the case sir," he replied. "But not from the top of the diving board..."
"That may be the case sir," he replied. "But not from the top of the diving board..."
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2011
- Messages
- 60,077
- Reaction score
- -45,999
Edinburgh Fringe Best Joke Winner
“I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” (Ken Chang)
It beat these 14 other finalists
“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” (Frankie Boyle)
“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?”
(Alexei Sayle)
“I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.” (Lew Fitz)
“I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.” (Andy Field)
“Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant.” (Mark Simmons)
“I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…” (Jimeoin)
“I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.” (Ed Byrne)
“I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.” (Olaf Falafel)
“Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!'” (Alasdair Beckett-King)
“A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.” (Angela Barnes)
“As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.” (Adele Cliff)
“For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it.” (Phil Wang)
“I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark.” (Adam Hess)
“I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act.” (Tim Vine)
“I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” (Ken Chang)
It beat these 14 other finalists
“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” (Frankie Boyle)
“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?”
(Alexei Sayle)
“I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.” (Lew Fitz)
“I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.” (Andy Field)
“Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant.” (Mark Simmons)
“I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…” (Jimeoin)
“I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.” (Ed Byrne)
“I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.” (Olaf Falafel)
“Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!'” (Alasdair Beckett-King)
“A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.” (Angela Barnes)
“As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.” (Adele Cliff)
“For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it.” (Phil Wang)
“I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark.” (Adam Hess)
“I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act.” (Tim Vine)
jlo
Well-known member
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2009
- Messages
- 2,690
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The only one to which I laughed as well. Easily the winner [emoji23]“I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.” (Olaf Falafel)
A winner, although a bit Stewart Francis esque
Sent from my SM-G925F using Tapatalk
Parkins left foot
'Quirk's Gay Game Winner'
- Joined
- May 11, 2012
- Messages
- 20,569
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- 422
I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.
That was the only one that raised a 'titter' for me - poor crop this time
That was the only one that raised a 'titter' for me - poor crop this time
Dublin Drummer Wolf
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2010
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- 9,970
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- 645
Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?
1,000 soles were lost
1,000 soles were lost
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2009
- Messages
- 57,804
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- 8,551
Definitely one for Frank:
My grandad was talking to two German truckers. One of them said: "I drive a Mercedes, it can cruise down the Autobahn at 90kph all day long, and get from one end of Germany to the other in a whole shift!"
The other one said: "Ha! I drive a M.A.N., and THAT will go at 100kph and get me there in a day, with time for a nice lunch!"
Grandad says: "Thats all bollocks. Back in the day I could leave my base in Lincolnshire at 4 am, drop a full load in Stuttgart, and STILL be back home in time for breakfast"
The Germans were stunned; "What were you driving, old man??"
He replied calmly, "A Lancaster bomber"!!!!
My grandad was talking to two German truckers. One of them said: "I drive a Mercedes, it can cruise down the Autobahn at 90kph all day long, and get from one end of Germany to the other in a whole shift!"
The other one said: "Ha! I drive a M.A.N., and THAT will go at 100kph and get me there in a day, with time for a nice lunch!"
Grandad says: "Thats all bollocks. Back in the day I could leave my base in Lincolnshire at 4 am, drop a full load in Stuttgart, and STILL be back home in time for breakfast"
The Germans were stunned; "What were you driving, old man??"
He replied calmly, "A Lancaster bomber"!!!!
UKYankieWWFC
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jun 7, 2010
- Messages
- 2,678
- Reaction score
- 262
Not so much of a joke. But an observation
So I walks past the cafe at work. They have a sign up it states
' Currently out of bacon'
I swore it said 'currently out of heroin'..i needs new glasses!!
So I walks past the cafe at work. They have a sign up it states
' Currently out of bacon'
I swore it said 'currently out of heroin'..i needs new glasses!!
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2009
- Messages
- 57,804
- Reaction score
- 8,551
While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.
A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?" "I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later." The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose.
A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?" "I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later." The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose.
