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The Laughter Cemetery

I saw a tractor today with a sign on it saying the end is nigh.

I think it was being driven by Farmer Geddon.
 
I've just signed up for a 2, year course on reincarnation at my local college .
I know it's going to cost £5,000 but I thought, you only live once .
 
After years of working hard And many many late nights

l've Finally become a P.H.D.....

or Pizza Hut Delivery man as some people like to call it...!!!
 
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up"

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way"
 
Therapist: "What's upsetting you?"

Wife: "He's always using common phrases incorrectly"

Me: "Cry me a table, Linda"
 
"What do we want?"

"Hearing aids"

"When do we want them?"

"HEARING AIDS!"
 
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales,
walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: 'Hi, Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him.'
Welsh Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, how stupid can you get.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going chap?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Welsh Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Welsh villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Welsh Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Welsh Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Welsh Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
Welsh Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Welsh Villager: 'The sheep's a liar'
 
Some bloke keeps ringing me

and singing 'Stand and Deliver' and 'Prince Charming' down the phone.

I've tried telling him he's got the wrong number

but he's adamant.
 
I have just got back from the zoo where I saw a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

It was bread in captivity...
 
West midlands Police report finding a man's body in the canal near Oldbury

The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a West Bromwich Albion football shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the football shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
 
I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.
 
I think saw Michael J. Fox in the garden centre earlier. It was difficult to tell as he had his back to the fuschias.
 
I've just accidentally swallowed some cat medicine, don't ask meow....

Sent from my SM-G903F using Tapatalk
 
Just bought a car off eBay with no reserve. The seller had dyslexia and when I got home I realised the bloody thing won't go backwards.
 
Sean Connery has found his niche.

She was in the back garden with his nephew.
 
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Went into KFC for a chicken meal yesterday, a clown opened and held the door for me, I thought it was a nice jester!
 
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