The Laughter Cemetery

[So Long Architect]

Q: How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Let's go and play on our bikes!

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many goals that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” He replied “Putting on my football boots!”.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"

"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

 

[lemonjelly]

Two nuns are cycling down a cobbled road.
One says to the other "I've never come this way before"...

 

[Wolf Hunting]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
"Listen very carefully, you fucking dickhead, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Paddy goes into PC World looking for curtains for his pc.
The assistant says, "Why do you think you need curtains for a computer?"
Paddy says "HELLO!! Because it's got 8 Windows or something!".

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Paddy was asked if he preferred legs or breasts ..... he replied, "Well actually... (looking furtively over his shoulder and lowering his voice) I'd rather prefer a shaved fanny!!.
He was politely informed that this was not an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket...

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'

'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it 's up to you.'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A good looking woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth
She stood there allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

[Wolf Hunting]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light. Claude the hypnotist said, 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces!

'SHIT!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean the 150 plush chairs and a week to get the carpets sorted.

 

[GLASGOWOLF]

My wife was giving me shite, constantly for not sharing my feelings.
She called me unfeeleing.

In the end I had to tell her

Listen "I have 2 feelings I am either"

"A. Hungry"
"B. Horny"

"If you don't see an Hardon Fuck off in the kitchen and make my Food"

then the fight started.

 

[arklowolf]

Got myself a Jack Russell puppy last week.
Cute little chap.... mostly black and brown with small white patches.
I've named him England.


I was sitting watching TV last evening when I heard my wife say from the kitchen...
" What would you like for dinner my love, beef, lamb or chicken ? "
I said " chicken please "
She said " you`re having soup you fat b******.... I was talking to the cat "

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A Liverpool fan goes in to a travel agents and says, "I fancy a holiday."
The travel agent says "you cant beat a good villa this time of year."

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

A Liverpool fan goes in to a travel agents and says, "I fancy a holiday."
The travel agent says "you cant beat a good villa this time of year."

could be your best ever Frank!

 

[Dublin Drummer Wolf]

A Liverpool fan goes in to a travel agents and says, "I fancy a holiday."
The travel agent says "you cant beat a good villa this time of year."

Stealing it!

 

[The Bear]

I turned into a cat earlier.







Don't ask meow.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?

I'm excited to see how they turn out.

 

[Premier Quality]

Do you know why Barbie doesn't get pregnant?

Because Ken comes in a different box...

 

[MARKakaJIM]

I've got time for that.