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The Laughter Cemetery

Irish bus

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.'

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the look-out shouts, 'What are you doing? Have ye not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No.91'

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye t'ick sod, take the No.14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
 
Wolf Hunting said:
Irish bus

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.'

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the look-out shouts, 'What are you doing? Have ye not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No.91'

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye t'ick sod, take the No.14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
Click to expand...

Without Irish jokes this thread would have been dead and buried ages ago.
 
What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?

Mascapone.
 
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."


And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....
 
This excellent thread seems to have been a bit quiet recently, so here goes:

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy."Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing! "The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
 
Ethel was coming up to her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely in the motel all on her own.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sex.
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?”.
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!!
Now how does that sound?"
.
He said,"That sounds absolutely fantastic madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
.
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
 
Wolf Hunting said:
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
.
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Click to expand...

That's very similar to:-

Whats the difference between a car tyre and 365 used condoms. One is a goodyear the other is a great year.
 
I once had an addiction to viagra.

It was the hardest time of my life...
 
I tried using a colander to view the eclipse.

I think I've strained my eyes.
 
I removed the shell from my racing snail, in the hope the reduced weight would make it go faster.

Instead, it just made it more sluggish...
 
We adopted a tiger several years ago, at what age do you think I ought to break the news to him that he's adopted ?
 
SO, A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR...... and the bartender said: "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."
 
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