The Laughter Cemetery
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Wolf Hunting
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The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers:
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.
The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.
This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.
The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.”
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.
The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.
This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.
The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.”
Wolf Hunting
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, there's a long waiting list so you will have to be a little patient".
The doctor replies "Yes, there's a long waiting list so you will have to be a little patient".
Wolf Hunting
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Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
Wolf Hunting
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A couple have been on here before, but a couple also make me laugh out loud!
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30
minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ... Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
Two Indian junkies snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan . He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, - pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your
eyesight is perfect.'
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30
minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ... Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
Two Indian junkies snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan . He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, - pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your
eyesight is perfect.'
Last edited:
FrankMunro-371
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A man was broke so he decided to take out a life insurance on his wife and then get a hit man to bump her off. After some research he found a local hit man who went by the name of Arti. He arranged to meet Arti in a quiet, small pub and told him what he wanted to do. Arti said to the man, "It'll cost you £5,000 for a hit on your wife."
To which the man replied, "I don't know how I can pay you, because I've got no money, that's why I want my wife bumped off so I get the insurance money. Look, I've only got a one pound coin in my pocket and that's it."
Arti replied, "O.K. I'll take the pound as a down payment and have the rest after the contract is fulfilled."
They agree and Arty starts to follow the mans wife so that he can pick a suitable time for the hit. Early one morning the wife decides to go to Tescos and do an early shop before she goes to work. Arti follows her in and spots her behind some tall stands. The shop is deserted, so he creeps up behind her, puts his hands round her throat and chokes her. After the dirty deed, he looks round and sees an assistant behind him who has witnessed it all, so he chokes him as well. Unfortunately for Arty the hidden security cameras capture everything and he is caught by the police. The next day the newspaper headlines read;-
Arti Chokes Two For A Pound In Tescos!
To which the man replied, "I don't know how I can pay you, because I've got no money, that's why I want my wife bumped off so I get the insurance money. Look, I've only got a one pound coin in my pocket and that's it."
Arti replied, "O.K. I'll take the pound as a down payment and have the rest after the contract is fulfilled."
They agree and Arty starts to follow the mans wife so that he can pick a suitable time for the hit. Early one morning the wife decides to go to Tescos and do an early shop before she goes to work. Arti follows her in and spots her behind some tall stands. The shop is deserted, so he creeps up behind her, puts his hands round her throat and chokes her. After the dirty deed, he looks round and sees an assistant behind him who has witnessed it all, so he chokes him as well. Unfortunately for Arty the hidden security cameras capture everything and he is caught by the police. The next day the newspaper headlines read;-
Arti Chokes Two For A Pound In Tescos!
FrankMunro-371
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A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn’t care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the Maitre’D from the restaurant.
“Ma’am,” he said, “we were all wondering if you could put your top back on.”
“Why? I’m not disturbing anybody.”
“Ma’am. You’re on the skylight.”
“Ma’am,” he said, “we were all wondering if you could put your top back on.”
“Why? I’m not disturbing anybody.”
“Ma’am. You’re on the skylight.”
Wolf Hunting
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Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 myself!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 myself!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.
Wolf Hunting
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Not so much a joke, more a VERY topical comment.
While walking down the street one day a member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..
Today you voted.
While walking down the street one day a member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..
Today you voted.
FrankMunro-371
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A bit naughty, but this did make me chuckle.
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
arklowolf
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A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will, 'replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'.
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer!
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No'; said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will, 'replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'.
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer!
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No'; said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
MARKakaJIM
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I guess that joke only works if the name Wyatt Earp means anything to you?
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I know who Wyatt Earp is - I just thought it was a dreadful joke TBH!
Wolf Hunting
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A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he saw a well-known cardiologist in his garage.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened it's heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic......
"Try doing it with the engine running."
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened it's heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic......
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Wolf Hunting
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But that's exactly what this thread's for...
