The Laughter Cemetery

[PPB]

I fucking hate my surname I do, Potato.

Although not as much as my sister Jackie does .

 

[Jolemai]

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Joe worked very hard at the telephone exchange, but spent two nights each week playing darts and golf every Saturday.
His wife thought he was pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she took him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club greeted them and said, "Hello Joe! How are you?"
His wife was puzzled and asked whether he'd been to this club before.
"Oh no," said Joe. "He's in my darts league."
When they were seated, a waitress asked Joe whether he'd like his usual and brought over a pint of London Pride.
His wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and remarked, "How did she know that you drink London Pride?"
"I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a London Pride at the end of the first nine holes."
A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around Joe, started to rub herself all over him, and cooed, "Hi Joe. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Joe's wife, now furious, grabbed her handbag and stormed out of the club.
Joe followed and saw her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her.
Joe tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife was having none of it.
She screamed at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.
The cabby turned around and said, "Crikey Joe, you picked up a real bitch this time."
.....
Joe's funeral will take place this Saturday.

 

[arklowolf]

'Good morning,' said the young man.

'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."


The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Did you hear about the cannibal who got sick after eating the missionary? He boiled him and he was a friar!

 

[arklowolf]

Bloke in a hot air balloon is blown off course over a field in Ireland.

He shouts down to a farmer in the field ''Where am I?''

Farmer replies ''You can't fool me, you're up in that basket!''

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A husband and wife in their late twenties were watching a tv programme on psychology which was discussing the phenomenon of 'Mixed Emotions'.
The husband turned to his wife and said, "That's a load of bollocks! I bet you can't tell me anything that makes me happy and sad at the same time....

She thought about it for a moment then said, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest Dick".

(and it was just about then the fight started..)

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. The man thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."
"You crafty little bastard," said the Genie.

 

[Sniffer]

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. The man thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."
"You crafty little bastard," said the Genie.

The budget has only been in surplus for 6 years since 1979. 4 of those years were under a labour government.

#chaosovercompetence

 

[Jolemai]

Didn't Frank tell Jesus the original version of that "joke"?

 

[Premier Quality]

The budget has only been in surplus for 6 years since 1979. 4 of those years were under a labour government.

#chaosovercompetence

Department of Joke Censorship? Only proven and factual jokes allowed from now on please.

 

[Dublin Drummer Wolf]

What bounces and makes kids cry?






My donation check for Children in Need

 

[Sniffer]

The department of joke censorship has asked that the spelling of check in the above post is changed to cheque.

 

[Premier Quality]

The department of joke censorship has asked that the spelling of check in the above post is changed to cheque.

:worshippy: ( I wanted a thumbs up, but that will do!)

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A little pig walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks direction to the lavatories. The barman tells him where the gents are and the pig hurries off to relieve himself. A second little pig then comes in, orders a drink and asks for the lavatories. Again the barman tells the pig where to go and the pig hurries away. A third little pig then appears and orders a drink. ‘I suppose you’ll want to know where the toilets are,’ says the barman. ‘No,’ replies the pig. ‘I’m the one that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.’

 

[YoungWolf]

Well pancake day creped up on us quickly didn't it?

 

[Kenny]

fuck off and get drunk.....

 

[Sniffer]

Well pancake day creped up on us quickly didn't it?

The department of joke censorship wishes it to be known that foreign words should carry foreign thingymabobs when needed. In this case crêped.

 

[YoungWolf]

fuck off and get drunk.....

I would but I've left my keys to the kitchen.... in the kitchen.

 

[MARKakaJIM]

I would but I've left my keys to the kitchen.... in the kitchen.

Awesome.