The Laughter Cemetery
- Thread starter Langers
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FrankMunro-371
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A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two people showed up. One was a old retired Barnsley miner and the other was a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl. He roared and began to charge her. When he was about halfway there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her feet and ankles. He continued to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the old retired Barnsley miner and asked, "Can you top that?"
He replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl. He roared and began to charge her. When he was about halfway there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her feet and ankles. He continued to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the old retired Barnsley miner and asked, "Can you top that?"
He replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Wolf Hunting
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I think you edited stuff out of there Frank...
Wolf Hunting
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Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in Casualty.
When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, never saw her once, the lying bitch.
She still hasn't come home yet and I'm starving.
When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, never saw her once, the lying bitch.
She still hasn't come home yet and I'm starving.
Wolf Hunting
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I was in the pub the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"
.....And that's the last thing I remember.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"
.....And that's the last thing I remember.
FrankMunro-371
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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery shop picking out a pretty good size box of washing detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my frog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your frog. It's very powerful and if you wash your frog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his frog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his frog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the frog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your frog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my frog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your frog. It's very powerful and if you wash your frog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his frog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his frog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the frog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your frog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
FrankMunro-371
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Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every
day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and
discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much
about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Sam really got worried. However, since the only
time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable
to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen
the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the
park and lo and behold there sat Russ! Sam
was very excited and happy to see him and told
him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in
the world happened to you?'
.
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail,' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Cindy, that cute little
blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I some-
times go?'
.
'Yeah,' said Sam, I remember her. What about
her?’
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me;
and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I
got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and
discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much
about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Sam really got worried. However, since the only
time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable
to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen
the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the
park and lo and behold there sat Russ! Sam
was very excited and happy to see him and told
him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in
the world happened to you?'
.
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail,' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Cindy, that cute little
blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I some-
times go?'
.
'Yeah,' said Sam, I remember her. What about
her?’
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me;
and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I
got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
FrankMunro-371
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As much as I would like George Saville at Wolves, shirt sales will be at an all time low for him....
Wolf Hunting
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A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just gently stroking his testicles.
Seems it was something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love touching them so much?”
"Because," she replied, "I really miss mine."
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just gently stroking his testicles.
Seems it was something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love touching them so much?”
"Because," she replied, "I really miss mine."
FrankMunro-371
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.The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?
He said, " Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing,
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what
happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the backside, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?
He said, " Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing,
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what
happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the backside, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
Wolf Hunting
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Mr. James Smith,
206 Andover Road,
Salisbury,
Wiltshire.
Dear Mr. Smith,
Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.
I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show's contestants.
However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.
In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.
Yours,
Charles Knight.
Light Entertainment,
BBC Television Centre,
London.
206 Andover Road,
Salisbury,
Wiltshire.
Dear Mr. Smith,
Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.
I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show's contestants.
However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.
In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.
Yours,
Charles Knight.
Light Entertainment,
BBC Television Centre,
London.
Wolf Hunting
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Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance & Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
.............................................................................................................
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update.
If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember.
Over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Good Luck,
Tech Support.
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance & Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
.............................................................................................................
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update.
If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember.
Over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Good Luck,
Tech Support.
Jolemai
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Top ten from the latest Edinburgh Fringe:
Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
Source
Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
Source
Doctor Doog
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Typical academic. Always quote your sources, but don't necessarily read the full article before you do (those were last year's winners, Tim Vine won it this year)
