The Laughter Cemetery

[pavlosmacwolf]

A tourist walked into an antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!'

Jesus wolfie, tea spat everywhere!!!!!!!!

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

A tourist walked into an antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!'

Jesus wolfie, tea spat everywhere!!!!!!!!

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

Jeeeeesus wolfie, coffee spat everywhere, brilliant!! i am busy translating it into greek for tommorows cypro lunch. the french bit will be turkish of course.

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

christ what the hell is up with the forum, it told me to piss off for the first double post, The 30 second rule or something, and then posted all of them???????

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Hope that joke went down well at your Cypro lunch Pav.

Here are a few which are a bit late but you're getting them anyway... Oscar Pistorius...

Oscar wanted to get a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine's Day he had to take her out.

If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had with only 2 blades.
.
His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up on Oscar Pistorius."

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open...

 

[Wolf Hunting]

It's my wife's 40th birthday so I booked a table to celebrate.
Bound to end in tears though, she's crap at snooker.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.

God, I love my new taser!

 

[Wolf Hunting]

(I think a couple of these in one form or another may have already appeared in the last while. )

I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Tosser" & then off we go....

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right.

We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

 

[Wolf Hunting]

And to close....


If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

 

[Langers]

Please please please please STOP.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Please please please please STOP.

Nope.
You'll have to ban me.
A couple of these actually made me smile.
You ought to be grateful... I could have put them on the official joke thread, but it appears to be long gone, such is the dearth of decent jokes on here!

Anyway, Frank'll be wetting himself!

 

[Langers]

Well they were either all terrible or older than Frank himself.

Nope.
You'll have to ban me.

It only takes one click. Don't tempt me!

 

[Jolemai]

You ought to be grateful... I could have put them on the official joke thread, but it appears to be long gone, such is the dearth of decent jokes on here!

It was bumped yesterday, but I do agree at the dearth of decent jokes about.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Try this one then, ready Frank... brace yourself!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking pals on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

 

[PPB]

Try this one then, ready Frank... brace yourself!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking pals on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

At last, a decent one

 

[FrankMunro-371]

What does the Matador use to keep his hands soft?

Olay.