The Laughter Cemetery

[FrankMunro-371]

It's a little known fact but taverns in Stratford-upon-Avon refused to serve alcohol to William Shakespeare
HE WAS BARD

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A Brummie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.
Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blond...

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions'; St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...

 

[Jolemai]

Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

A: Virgin mobile.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

I used to know a really shit joke about a nun whose coffin was sent to the family by postal services and it came back after a long delay with a sticker saying, 'Returned unopened'...
But I can't remember the details, so I won't bother.

Aren't you glad?

 

[Wolf Hunting]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, "Did you close your garage door?"
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my 4X4 parked in there?"
She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tyres."

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting at their usual table at the Bush Inn, when one turns to the other and says: Bert, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Bert says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Denny, a 75 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Denny walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Denny and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Denny replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Sorry about some of these, my brother's been away.
Looks like he just got home.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.

 

[Parkins left foot]

WH - I'm sure you are recycling some of these now

 

[Wolf Hunting]

WH - I'm sure you are recycling some of these now

Hi Peter, Yes, I think the 1st one's suspicious right enough, but I just stick 'em up, and imagine Frank chuckling away.
Makes it all worth while.

Did you write that question after you'd stopped laughing...?

 

[Parkins left foot]

Hi Peter, Yes, I think the 1st one's suspicious right enough, but I just stick 'em up, and imagine Frank chuckling away.
Makes it all worth while.

Did you write that question after you'd stopped laughing...?

I suppose that when you get to our age you start forgetting things - so no real problem if you put the jokes more than once - we won't remember them

 

[ROVERT47]

Breaking News!!
Local fete been called off today due to an outbreak of Tombola!!

 

[wanderer89]

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?


Grggluhhgluh.

 

[Langers]

:icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[The Bear]

Is it wrong that I guessed the punchline before I read it?......

 

[Jolemai]

Wrong thread!

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Back to the classics::

What do you call a magic dog?
A LABRACADABRADOR...

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A tourist walked into an antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!'