The Laughter Cemetery

[b3h]

 

[PPB]

Oh ar !!

:icon_lol:

 

[YoungWolf]

My wife didn't believe I'd made a bicycle out of spaghetti until I rode pasta

Stolen!

 

[wanderer89]

I bought a book on eBay called 'How to scam on eBay'.

That was two months ago, and it's not arrived yet!

 

[FrankMunro-371]

England are playing Iceland next week, and if they win then they play Tesco next.....

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week. So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer. "What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING .Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!" So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?" In order to get him off his back the policeman said, "Sure. Put up your own sign." The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, "How is the problem with the speeding drivers? Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed." The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down.. So he drove out to Farmer John's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. 'NUDIST COLONY' 'Slow down and watch out for chicks!

 

[Wolf Hunting]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.

 

[MARKakaJIM]

I'd quite like a Schnauzer.

 

[darlowolf64]

I'd quite like a Schnauzer.

Fnar.....

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whisky and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

 

[The Bear]

Not bad Frank. Not bad.

 

[PPB]

Did you hear about the man who pulled anal beads out of his wife rather too quickly, she started up like a bloody chainsaw !


This tickled me for some odd reason.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull."What are you going to do", the homeowner asks? "I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What’s the shotgun for..?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.."

 

[Paul]

That made me choke on my fish finger sandwich

 

[The Bear]

Bizarre. I'm currently eating a fish finger sandwich whilst reading this!

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Bizarre. I'm currently eating a fish finger sandwich whilst reading this!

Yours or Pauls...?

 

[The Bear]

Mine. Paul doesn't use Salad Cream.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Of course. Silly me...

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 8 children, 18 grandchildren, 32 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

[Quirkafleeg]

Oscar Pistorious has sacked his current legal team and hired Celtic's after hearing they lost both legs but still got a victory!!