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The Laughter Cemetery

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok
running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.
 
I wish everyone would leave Gary Barlow alone.

Whatever he said, whatever he did - he didn't mean it.
 
Cally, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Cally, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Cally takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Cally explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, .......

'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
 
What's Forrest Gump's password?


1forrest1
 
You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he''s dead.
 
Here is a few awful jokes:

I quit my job in the helium factory: I wasn't going to be spoken to in that tone!

I had to quit my job designing coins; couldn't make head nor tail of it.

My mate lost his job on the dodgem cars. He's suing for funfair dismissal!

The blonde bird got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away the W's.
 
And following on that excellent theme::

What do you call an alligator in a string vest?
An Investigator.

I must have eaten too much salmon over Christmas,
I just ran up an escalator that was going down
 
My wife didn't believe I'd made a bicycle out of spaghetti until I rode pasta :)
 
My wife didn't believe I'd made a bicycle out of spaghetti until I rode pasta :)

Even when in a bad mood, the forum is still able to bring a smile.

Cheers Paul :)
 
Pretty good Paul. Made me laugh anyway.
 
Yep me too, that's half decent one! :)
 
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.



What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.



Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife died.
 
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