The Laughter Cemetery
- Thread starter Langers
- Start date
Parkins left foot
'Quirk's Gay Game Winner'
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Listening to the Goons on Radio 4 extra:
Gryptyppe Thynne escaping from the castle with the stolen false teeth
Neddy Seagoon - don't worry the wolves will get him
Major Blodnock - why
Neddy Seagoon - they are looking for a new goalkeeper!
Gryptyppe Thynne escaping from the castle with the stolen false teeth
Neddy Seagoon - don't worry the wolves will get him
Major Blodnock - why
Neddy Seagoon - they are looking for a new goalkeeper!
Wolf Hunting
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Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barbers shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "no thanks, my wife Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "no thanks, my wife Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
Wolf Hunting
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Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
FrankMunro-371
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What is the height of optimism?
An English batsman putting on sunscreen....
An English batsman putting on sunscreen....
So Long Architect
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A young lady, to whom dame nature had been less than generous, asked her GP is there was any form of breast enhancement that didn't involve surgery.
"Yes my dear, take some soft tissue paper and rub it between your breasts three times a day." said the Doctor
"Will that work?" she asked.
"Of course," he replied, "Look what it's done for your bum."
"Yes my dear, take some soft tissue paper and rub it between your breasts three times a day." said the Doctor
"Will that work?" she asked.
"Of course," he replied, "Look what it's done for your bum."
FrankMunro-371
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A blonde once walked into a store and pointed to a box on the top of a shelf. She asked the cashier, “Can I buy that TV?” “I’m sorry, we don’t sell anything to blondes,” The cashier replied. A week later she walked into the store again but this time, her was dyed black. She asked the cashier, “Can I buy that TV from up there?” Again he answered, “We don’t sell anything to blondes.” The lady started to get mad and she said, “I don’t understand this! I dyed my hair black so I would be able to buy this TV from you and you’re still telling me that you don’t sell anything to blondes, but my hair is not blond anymore!!” The cashier answered, “Can’t you see its a microwave?”
Wolf Hunting
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The sharing of marriage....
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything..'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered...
'THE TEETH.'
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything..'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered...
'THE TEETH.'
Wolf Hunting
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A church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones,
They began to chat.. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
Frank, you must be loving these!
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones,
They began to chat.. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
Frank, you must be loving these!
Wolf Hunting
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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
Wolf Hunting
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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Wolf Hunting
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Wolf Hunting
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Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Wolf Hunting
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel.
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel.
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
Wolf Hunting
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Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan.
He is making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing very well.
Prophets are going through the roof.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan.
He is making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing very well.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Wolf Hunting
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Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
Wolf Hunting
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Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.
Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Wolf Hunting
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Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Premier Quality
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I've missed these WH, keep them coming!
Wolf Hunting
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Frank, this is especially for you.
It's not really a joke as it goes, but a wry bit of humour...
For those who do not listen to the programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best.
Right at the end of a programme, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
It's not really a joke as it goes, but a wry bit of humour...
For those who do not listen to the programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best.
Right at the end of a programme, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
