The Laughter Cemetery
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DewsburyWolf
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Yes because it`s ancient
FrankMunro-371
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Last one of the year, but fret not, there will be plenty more next year........
On New Year's Eve, the wife stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the barman was almost crushed to death.
On New Year's Eve, the wife stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the barman was almost crushed to death.
FrankMunro-371
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And the first rib tickler of the new year is::
My phone keeps falling out of the 'Slade' cover I got for Christmas.
It's a shoddy holder.
My phone keeps falling out of the 'Slade' cover I got for Christmas.
It's a shoddy holder.
James
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:facepalm:
Wolf Hunting
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It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain from his waistcoat pocket.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ----watch the watch."
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and smashed into pieces on impact.
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre, and Claude was never invited there again.
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain from his waistcoat pocket.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ----watch the watch."
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and smashed into pieces on impact.
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre, and Claude was never invited there again.
FrankMunro-371
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A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in
the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman
stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing
tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part
of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss
know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"Please don't!" said the dog. "If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me
answer the phone, too!"
the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman
stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing
tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part
of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss
know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"Please don't!" said the dog. "If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me
answer the phone, too!"
lemonjelly
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What does a Mexican have beneath his carpet?
Underlay.
Underlay.
Wolf Hunting
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This should possibly be a pm to Pavlos, but as it will certainly apply to Frank + a good few others, I'll put it in here...
The PM will announce that he is ordering the Immigration Department to start deporting old people (instead of illegal's) in order to lower Old Age Pension Payouts and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and most will not remember how to get back home!
I started laughing when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BASTARD, RUN!!
Well . . . . . Someone sent it to me and I'm not going alone!!!!
The PM will announce that he is ordering the Immigration Department to start deporting old people (instead of illegal's) in order to lower Old Age Pension Payouts and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and most will not remember how to get back home!
I started laughing when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BASTARD, RUN!!
Well . . . . . Someone sent it to me and I'm not going alone!!!!
pavlosmacwolf
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Ha ha I'd probably qualify as an illegal by now.
MARKakaJIM
Contrary Mary
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I proposed that idea to my biology teacher/class when we were in 6 form and talking about how improved healthcare was causing problems as it increased life expectancy.
Didn't go down well.
Didn't go down well.
Wolf Hunting
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I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
Wolf Hunting
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Apologies, but there might be some younger ones haven't got this... the 5th time around...
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“ Well, my sister has one and she says it bloody well eats batteries!"
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“ Well, my sister has one and she says it bloody well eats batteries!"
FrankMunro-371
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I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my friend. He finally said, " I don't follow you...."
FrankMunro-371
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Well done Sir. An excellent piece of work.
FrankMunro-371
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A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.
He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?”
“Why, what have you got?”
“About £2 and a carrot.”
He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?”
“Why, what have you got?”
“About £2 and a carrot.”
FrankMunro-371
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Harry gets a job as a weatherman in the Far East; however, try as he might, he can never get a forecast right. Eventually he’s sacked and has to fly home. A friend asks why he’s back so soon. Harry replies, ‘The climate didn’t agree with me.’
