The Laughter Cemetery

[FrankMunro-371]

I hate it when a player gets a kick and starts rolling about the floor as if he's been shot.

Snooker is not like it used to be.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow , stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'fuck him'.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Apologies if a variation of this was posted in the last 12 months...

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS! He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London copper, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous
flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A boy comes home from his first day of school, and his mother asks, “What did you learn today?”

“Not enough,” he replies. “They said I have to go back tomorrow.”

 

[arklowolf]

SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

 

[arklowolf]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday..
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb...Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for £44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get £58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is £11, and the Fish Bait is £3.50

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Over in the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”.

She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water, so, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
“That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and blurted out, " London...."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately started to take off her clothes and set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said,




"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

 

[Langers]

:icon_lol:

 

[FrankMunro-371]

I asked my wife if she fancied going away for Valentines day.

She took it surprisingly well.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy hotel cafe on Manitoba Street West in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead".

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.


The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

[Wolf Hunting]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed..

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment before..

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

' ................BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'


WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more!!
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER..'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A father goes into his daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to “Mum and Dad” on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:

Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I’ve found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his stolen Harley.But it’s not only that, I’m pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in Bargara. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams too.

I’ve learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and Ahmed’s friends. They’re the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.

Don’t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their garage. Apparently I can earn $200 per scene. I get a $200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra $100 for the alsatian. Don’t worry Mum. Now I’m 14 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we’ll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren. Dad, found the cash you were hiding from mum, but don't worry we left you a few quid.

Your loving daughter,

Angelina.



P.S. Dad. For God's sake calm down. It’s not true. I’m actually watching TV at the neighbours. I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks, 'What are you?'

He says, 'I'm a fireman'

'But you're only wearing a glass jar,' says the woman.

'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

This one's actually not bad!

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife Susan, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey Susan, this looks like yours!''



'I don't remember much after that'

 

[FrankMunro-371]

BREAKING NEWS: Juan Mata arrested after being caught attempting a U-Turn half way up the M6.

 

[So Long Architect]

my missus insists on going around the bedroom measuring everything with a 12 inch ruler....i think she's got a foot fetish

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Waiting in Croydon to catch speeding drivers a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask....Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

Waiting in Croydon to catch speeding drivers a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask....Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

ha ha wolifie, a coffee spitter

 

[Wolf Hunting]

ha ha wolifie, a coffee spitter

Here's another one then Pav....

I was in a Coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to break wind.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my wind breaks to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.

This is what happens when old people start using technology.

 

[wanderer89]

Knock Knock,

Who's there?

Cash.

Cash who?

No thanks, I prefer Pistachios.