The Laughter Cemetery

[FrankMunro-371]

I have just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

 

[Sniffer]

FFS Frank thats almost as bad as:-

Why do so many Chinese people live in Harrow.

Its because when they arrive in this country and jump in a cab they say "Harrow taxi dwiver"

 

[FrankMunro-371]

This one might get me banned, but here goes::

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"


"Rustling," said the bartender.

 

[The Bear]

I got the most drunk I've ever been last Christmas. I started first thing in the morning with a bottle of Advocaat and from there it just snowballed.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Brilliant Mr Bear.

I used to think you were a bit grizzly.....

 

[Wolf Hunting]

This arsehole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Guinness or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

 

[Wolf Hunting]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Went into a Pharmacy and said, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said, "Nah... She's actually not bad lookin'....."

 

[Wolf Hunting]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 75 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

 

[Wolf Hunting]

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


Who gives a shit, when you're over sixty?

 

[Wolf Hunting]

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "


When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Time to get festive

Santa looks out of the window and says to Mrs Claus, it looks like rain dear.......

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

Wolfie i just loved all of them, and will try to find a way to use them here,

after all i haven't given a shit for years anyway

 

[FrankMunro-371]

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were talking when they all noticed a £5 note on the floor. Who picked it up?

Santa of course, the other two don't exist!

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Jane fell out with the Food Manager in Tesco this morning, they said a Turkey would last 6 months in a freezer. We put one in yesterday and it was dead this morning.

 

[Penk Wolf]

Phil Brown has a merged as favourite for the Cardiff job after previous experience of managing with a crazy tan.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

It is with sincere apologies that I give you the following....

Bob a German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where Bob the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and Bob is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic Bob the German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'


'Ah,' says Bob the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

 

[Johnny75]

Is it wrong the German joke made me laugh?