The Laughter Cemetery

[So Long Architect]

That's actually very good, Frank. Almost worthy of the other joke thread. Almost.

 

[BillyDee]

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?


Because the 'p' is silent...

 

[The Bear]

:|

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Road show'.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol 'The insemination man is
coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when
he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Carol takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall' Carol explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder ......

'I assume it's to hang your trousers on!'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

The new bull, I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway, I had the vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!

He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him, but they kind of taste like peppermint...

 

[Sniffer]

I preferred the first version.

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Ahhhh, right!
I'd forgotten I'd posted that earlier.
I get this shit from my brother and just stick 'em up on here.

There were 4 in the latest batch I wouldn't even trouble to put up on here...

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A man is alone in a an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess. So he tries to pick her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.......
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says..."Ryanair !".

 

[FrankMunro-371]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up
God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on gypsies. Go out and tell them to choose between them
which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A secretary got an expensive Mont Blanc fountain pen as a birthday gift from her boss.
She adored the practice of writing 'proper' letters and felt that hand written letters were enhanced if written with a good fountain pen.
She was delighted with the gift so then she sat down and composed an email to thank him...
Her boss's wife read the email (as they shared a common email account at home) and filed for divorce in court.

The email read: Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've long admired it and you fulfilled my wish. At last it is mine and mine forever. Thank you so much, I'll always cherish it."

 

[Langers]

Roy - that's awful! At least you posted it in the correct thread.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Roy - that's awful! At least you posted it in the correct thread.

It's just all a bit sad Ian, my brother sends me yards of this shite. He thinks it's hilarious, so the very best and very occasional ones just make it into the 'Joke' thread, the best of the rest come in here and the majority get binned.

The odd thing is they really make him laugh, but this is the bloke who whilst The Drummer and I were losing it completely and singing along to to a great Pink Floyd track last week at the Live Show in Dublin, he tapped me on the leg to show me a 'funny' message that had come up on his phone which he'd programmed days earlier to take tablet for something he's got and he wanted me to read it cause he thought it was witty.... in the middle of a live concert for fuck's sake!

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Right... Brace yourself Ian....

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school, they’re fascinating.
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.. But I’ve turned myself around, and that’s what it’s all about

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.
Well, that’s when the trouble started...

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women, the prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though...her clothes arrived yesterday!!

Again.... many apologies.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.

So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.

"We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.

"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.

"It doesn't really matter", they say, "so long as he fits in the cannon".

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Women are terrible with directions, aren't they?" I said to my wife.

"I don't really know where you're going with this." she replied.

 

[MM_DJD]

What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.





(Please don't ban me...)

 

[lemonjelly]

I did LOL at the above...

meanwhile:
I opened the second box of my advent calendar and out came Tom Daley

 

[Langers]

My new book called 'Midget Discrimination' is on sale now.

It's top drawer stuff.