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The Laughter Cemetery

Thanks wolfie, couldn't see a problem myself, this PC stuff is getting well out of hand, prhaps we should start an old farts P'M only' joke thread, ha ha ha i'm in , of course
 
A pilot has engine trouble and lands in a field. As he walks around the plane to check out the problem, he hears a voice behind him say, "You have a clogged fuel line." Looking around, he sees no one, except a cow. Startled out of his wits, he runs across the field to the farmer's house and pounds on the door. When the farmer appears at the door, the out-of-breath pilot stammers that his cow has just talked--and even tried to explain what was wrong with the airplane.

The farmer drawled, "Was it a brown cow?" "Yes." "Did it have a white patch on its forehead?" "Yes, yes, that's the one." "OK, that's Flossie. Don't pay no attention to her. She doesn't know nothin' about aeroplanes."
 
Sorry Frank, that was below your usual standard :(
 
The CIA lost track of it’s operative in Ireland “Murphy. ” The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well. ” So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy. ” The bartender replies, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker, who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too. ” Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” The bartender replies, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street. ”
 
Kevin Webster cleared on all counts.

It's the guy who's had his car stuck up on the ramps for the last 6 months I feel sorry for.
 
Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?
Osmoses
 
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
 
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.


Q: What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother?
A: Leave the plunger in the toilet



Q: What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
A: Snowballs!
 
You bin opening the Christmas Crackers up early b3h
 
Thought I would contribute a bit of cheese to Franks thread.
 
Ok heres my cheese one for a Wednesday.

Who is the penguins favourite Aunt ?

Aunt Artica.
 
How did the penguin build his house ?

Iglooed it together .
 
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" He replied, "No, I am an undercover detective." The man than asked, "So why are you in uniform?" The policeman replied, "Today is my day off."
 
What do you call a man with a scratch on his face?

...Claude



What do you call a man who can't stand up?

...Neil
 
I've just ordered a load of Adam and the Ants sheet music. It was a real bargain - they threw in a stand and delivered.
 
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