The Laughter Cemetery

[The Bear]

That's more awful than genocide Frank.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

That's more awful than genocide Frank.

Thank you Mr Bear

Mr Smith gets into work late for the 5th time in five days and his boss says: "OK Smith, what's the excuse today? "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
"I'm very sorry boss," he says, "everything went wrong this morning, my wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes but we got stuck in traffic. I didn't want to let you down so I got out of the car, knocked a policeman off his motor bike, stole his bike and raced through the streets to the station with siren screaching, the train was just pulling out of the platform so I ran after it and jumped on the back, I clung on at speeds of 100mph for 30 minutes but it didn't stop in the station so I jumped off on the viaduct into the swollen river and swam through raging torrents, got out of the river and grabbed a passing fire engine, clung on for dear life and it dropped me off here - and here I am - look, my suit's still damp!"
"You'll have to do better than that, Smith," said the boss, disappointed. "That's unbelievable, no woman can get ready in ten minutes!"

 

[arklowolf]

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gives her one.

 

[arklowolf]

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gives her one.

 

[manhattan project]

A double post of double entendres.........

 

[arklowolf]

Gave her two

 

[Premier Quality]

Did you hear about the racing snail trainer.

He took all the shells off the snails to make them lighter and faster, but all it did was make them sluggish....

---------------------------------------------------------------

What's big, white and hurts when it falls out of a tree and lands on you?

A FRIDGE

---------------------------------------------------------------

Knock Knock

Whos there?

Big ish

Big ish who?

Sorry mate, got no change

---------------------------------------------------------------

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Little old lady

Little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!

---------------------------------------------------------------

How do you recognise a dyslexic Yorkshireman?

He's the one wearing the cat flap

 

[wanderer89]

Did you hear about the racing snail trainer.

He took all the shells off the snails to make them lighter and faster, but all it did was make them sluggish....

:clap:

 

[Premier Quality]

I took a girl out on loads of dates, we went to really nice restaurants. Then on the ninth date I took her to watch a Christian Bale film



Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
BATMAN!!!!!


-------------------------------

What did Batmans parents say to Batman?



Nothing, Batmans parents were brutally murdered down a dark alley by a gang of villians infront of Batman which left him mentally scarred for life.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a tuba glue!

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A man who is dying in the hospital is surrounded his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse.
Says to his eldest son:
- To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses.
- To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.
- To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices.
- And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in downtown.
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: Madam, your husband is very rich. He is having many properties! You all are so lucky!!
And the wife retorts:
Rich??? Lucky???

He is a Milkman!!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk !!!!

 

[Jolemai]

Could have sworn I made a post here today...?

Edit: Nevermind, it was on the other thread although it probably should have been here...

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Could have sworn I made a post here today...?

Edit: Nevermind, it was on the other thread although it probably should have been here...

Good jokes MUST be posted in here...

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the dark! ' says Murphy.

 

[Penk Wolf]

That's your best to date.

 

[lemonjelly]

It's not the first time he's posted it either.

Note to mods, can someone "arrange" for this thread to "accidentally" die next time there is an "outage"?

 

[FrankMunro-371]

The. Forum would go into meltdown if anything untoward happened to this thread...

 

[Wolf Hunting]

The. Forum would go into meltdown if anything untoward happened to this thread...

It'd be about 10lbs lighter Frank.

I've seen that at least 3 or 4 times and 2 of them were from you.

 

[Newbridge Wolf]

TOP 10 FUNNIEST JOKES FROM THE FRINGE FESTIVAL 2013:

• 1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

• 2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

• 3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

• 4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

• 5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

• 6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

• 7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

• 8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
• 9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

• 10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

Stolen of the Telegraph, top ten jokes from the fringe festival

 

[The Bear]

Should have only been a top 5. The rest are crap.