The Laughter Cemetery

[MARKakaJIM]

Most of them are crap, number 1 is pathetic.

 

[Penk Wolf]

The first three are good.

 

[The Bear]

Previous years have been much better:

2011

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8.) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

 

[Langers]

I like them.

 

[The Bear]

2012

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

 

[Langers]

I love Stewart Francis and Tim Vine. Pun-tastic.

 

[Jolemai]

The Pink Panther's To Do list:
- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

 

[FrankMunro-371]

What is the Australian version of LBW? Lost, beaten, walloped.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Ok, Frank, here's a few not quite up to last week's standard, so they're going in here...

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex!
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

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Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks, "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

 

[Wolf Hunting]

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

SAUSAGES .............. RACISM?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

 

[Langers]

Roy - please be careful of the content of some of these jokes. Particularly #792.

 

[Jolemai]

Despite getting A-Levels results of A,B,B,A, it seems no employer will take a chance on me.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Roy - please be careful of the content of some of these jokes. Particularly #792.

To anyone interested, #792 was deleted as the content was a bit dubious (enough with the Ron Atkinson thread), and the Jonathan Ross joke has taken its place...

Just in case you're wondering what Langers is on about...

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

Yes i was wondering, so because i am a politically incorrect asshole, please Pm the original, while i continue to piss myself at this...................

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

 

[Stan Hullis]

I'd have preferred a humus/tzatziki based joke personally...

 

[FrankMunro-371]

An Indian kitchen hand collapsed suddenly, so they called for a paramedic, who attended swiftly, asking questions as to how it might have happened. The rest of the staff told the paramedic that the patient was tasting a few raw ingredients, like Curry Leaves, paprika, coriander, nutmeg, ginger etc. The paramedic then makes his diagnosis, saying, "That accounts for it, HE'S IN A KORMA".

 

[The Bear]

Jesus wept Frank. That's older than the age of the universe.