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The Laughter Cemetery

My mate went a bit off the rails when he was younger, which is probably why he's no longer a train driver.


I couldn't believe my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I bought a pond full of carp from eBay for £100, big mistake, what a load of shit! The seller was dyslexic.
 
The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope

I'd never seen an insect get married before
 
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
 
Q. Where do you send a clever sheepdog?

A. Collie-technic! Boom, boom!

Q. What happens when you feed a sheepdog on jelly?

A. He gets the collie-wobbles.
 
croxdenabbey said:
Q. Where do you send a clever sheepdog?

A. Collie-technic! Boom, boom!

Q. What happens when you feed a sheepdog on jelly?

A. He gets the collie-wobbles.
Click to expand...


For some reason this one tickled me :icon_lol:
 
Why does Ariel, the little mermaid, wear seashells?


Because she outgrew her b-shells.
 
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'
 
That doesn't even make sense!
 
Oh....It would make a lot more sense if the punchline was "Ten Tickles".
 
I think these must be for here, but who cares i just became a granpa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My gay mate who is dyslexic, couldn’t wait for February 14th. he thought it’s Vaseline day.

On behalf of Channel 4 may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing she could make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually 'Fact Hunt'!

People should lay off Lance Armstrong I think what he achieved was amazing... When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike!

After seeing the Swansea ball boy keep possession of the ball for more than 10 seconds Aston Villa have made a bid of £20 million for him.

My slow witted mate got sacked from his job at B&Q for knocking out an African woman. I think he needed more training when instructed to 'go and find a Black and Decker'!!

Just watched the Lance Armstrong interview. He lied to us so much and for so long I'm starting to doubt he landed on the moon at all.

The Government has passed a new bill in parliament. Now gay men looking for a partner are entitled to more money. Its called the 'Knobseekers allowance'!

Bradford city have announced that cup final ticket prices will start at 60 Rupees each and are limited to 40 per household.

I called in sick today and told the manager 'the doctor says I have anal blindness. 'What is that he asked' I said I cant see my ass coming into work today.

Im starting to take this drink driving thing seriously now . Left the car in the pub car park last night & took the bus home. Quite proud of myself really I've never driven a bus before.

My mate Paddy rang me and said he's just got this bargain coat from House of Frazer. Originally it was £400 but he got it for just £25. He said it was supposed to be slightly imperfect but he's had a look all over and the only thing he can find is one sleeve slightly longer than the other two!
 
I think these must be for here, but who cares i just became a granpa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My gay mate who is dyslexic, couldn’t wait for February 14th. he thought it’s Vaseline day.

On behalf of Channel 4 may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing she could make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually 'Fact Hunt'!

People should lay off Lance Armstrong I think what he achieved was amazing... When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike!

After seeing the Swansea ball boy keep possession of the ball for more than 10 seconds Aston Villa have made a bid of £20 million for him.

My slow witted mate got sacked from his job at B&Q for knocking out an African woman. I think he needed more training when instructed to 'go and find a Black and Decker'!!

Just watched the Lance Armstrong interview. He lied to us so much and for so long I'm starting to doubt he landed on the moon at all.

The Government has passed a new bill in parliament. Now gay men looking for a partner are entitled to more money. Its called the 'Knobseekers allowance'!

Bradford city have announced that cup final ticket prices will start at 60 Rupees each and are limited to 40 per household.

I called in sick today and told the manager 'the doctor says I have anal blindness. 'What is that he asked' I said I cant see my ass coming into work today.

Im starting to take this drink driving thing seriously now . Left the car in the pub car park last night & took the bus home. Quite proud of myself really I've never driven a bus before.

My mate Paddy rang me and said he's just got this bargain coat from House of Frazer. Originally it was £400 but he got it for just £25. He said it was supposed to be slightly imperfect but he's had a look all over and the only thing he can find is one sleeve slightly longer than the other two!
 
I liked the Black & Decker one.
 
Fell asleep at a party last night and someone put a tea bag in my mouth

I'm fuming, no one treats me like a mug...
 
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