The Laughter Cemetery

[FrankMunro-371]

The Referee had accidentally collided with a player, fallen and injured his knee.

On his way back from the doctor's surgery after the match, he met one of the players from the game.

"You all right ref? You don't look so good. Bad news from the doc?"

"Yes it is. He says I can't Referee."

"Oh. Seen you in action has he . . .?"

 

[jlo]

That made me laugh a lot more than I think it should have.

In which case, try this one...

I asked The Lord for a sign. Shortly after, I received an animated cartoon on my computer. It was a GIF from God.

 

[jlo]

Just got back from Sochi and bumped into one of the competitors at Heathrow. 'Are you Russian' I asked. 'No' she said, 'I'm not in any particular hurry.'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank".

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alchol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry".
You even called the cat, "Whisky".

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered:
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

 

[FrankMunro-371]

I bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

 

[Jolemai]

I walked into the Chinese with my wife "Hello, I've a table booked under the name of Smith" I told the waiter.

"Sorry sir, no booking under name of Smith" came the reply "We fully booked now".

"I believe there's been some sort of mistake" I protested "I booked this table a month in advance"

Then i realised we were in the Wong Foo King Restaurant.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

I once briefly had a job printing fake bank notes, but quit after a couple of days because the money was terrible...

 

[lemonjelly]

http://games.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/

 

[FrankMunro-371]

http://games.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/

I was ignored....

 

[Paul]

I am detested, bit like being at home

 

[Bit on the shaggies]

I am hated by the Daily Mail.

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

moi aussi, ha ha ha I've finally cracked it

 

[FrankMunro-371]

It's late autumn and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He phoned the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting loads of firewood'

 

[Bit on the shaggies]

Frank, It might have been worthy of this thread the 1st time it appeared, but it's the third time that's been on here!

Do try to keep up.

Bump...

 

[Jolemai]

 

[MM_DJD]

Had an argument with a chav in Tesco about the last bottle of washing up liquid, so I squirted him with it

Now he's a mild green lairy thick kid

 

[Wolf Hunting]

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see little animals eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Maybe this ought to go into the 'Fitness Thread'.... either way, here you go...

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Just booked a table for me and the wife for her 40th Birthday Suprise. Bound to end in tears though, she's rubbish at snooker.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

To celebrate post no 1000 in this magnificent thread, I put forward this wonderful rib tickler:

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".