The Laughter Cemetery

[Wolf Hunting]

I went to see my Gran yesterday, and fair play to her, at 93 she still had all the Halloween stuff up, cobwebs and flies in the window, skeleton on the sofa, that kind of thing.
She always makes an effort bless her.
Anyway, there was no answer, so I'll try again at Christmas.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

I was eating my chinese take away last night and it made me think...
There's tens of thousands of Chinese restaurants and take aways all over this country, which means there are hundreds of thousands of Chinese people!
But tell me, who has ever seen a Chinese funeral? I've never seen one!
So what are they doing with them?
Then I looked at my crispy chicken balls and thought, 'Chickens don't have balls that big!'

 

[Paul]

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a harp, someone there said "you're not a harp you're much too small", I replied angrily "are you calling me a lyre?"

 

[lemonjelly]

How do you get ten Canadians out of a swimming pool?
Say to them "could you please all get out of the swimming pool"
How do you get ten Brits out?
Say to them "could you c***s all please get out of the swimming pool". They like that.
And ten Americans?
Get an Arab friend to jump in there and they'll be out in no time.

 

[Keef]

How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

 

[Kenny]

You opened your Christmas crackers early?

 

[Keef]

You know you’ll be nicking that

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Apparently Harry has written that he had a slightly frost bitten penis at William's wedding.
Should have had the prawn cocktail like everyone else.

 

[Keef]

Not been feeling too well, this morning I coughed up a pawn, a rook and a knight.
Doctor says I’ve got a chess infection.

 

[Keef]

Been teaching my four year old Spanish, he’s good but still doesn’t know the word for please.

I’m disappointed, and think that’s poor for four.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

3 guys on a boat with 4 cigarettes but the don't have anything to light them with.
So one guy threw a cigarette overboard, and the boat became a cigarette lighter!

 

[UKYankieWWFC]

What did the piece of cake say to the spoon?
'You wanna piece of me...?'

 

[lemonjelly]

Did you know that 10 + 10 and 11 + 11 are the same?
10 + 10 = 20
11 +11 = 22

 

[Tredman]

Nearly hit the report button on that.

 

[BillyDee]

Why did the palindrome cross the road?

To get a map a mate got.

 

[Johnny75]

What do you call Chewbacca with chunks of Wispa in his fur.

A chocolate chip Wookie.

 

[lemonjelly]

dr has diagnosed what keeps me awake all night eating, unable to sleep. I have insom-nom-nom-ia

 

[Kenny]

Why are you laughing at your own joke?

 

[Keef]

On a campsite, girlfriend says she’s going to ran naked in front of the other campers,
You mean run in front?
No ran she said it’s past tents.

 

[Keef]

Oh yea, she’s a stunner as well,
She’s a policewoman with a taser.