• Welcome, guest!

    This is a forum devoted to discussion of Wolverhampton Wanderers.
    Why not sign up and contribute? Registered members get a fully ad-free experience!

The Laughter Cemetery

I've had a really shitty day. I paid a joiner up front to make me a double bed, and he's done a bunk...
 
On this day in 1605 Guy Fawkes started his trip to london, took him so long because his legs were a pair of old tights stuffed with newspapers.
Along the way he’d only eat one type of pasta, hence the phrase “penne for the guy”
 
My mother in law who has dementia, was trying to exp[lain to my wife over the phone how some people are stealing money from her bank acct.
She was reading things out from her bank statement....
She got to
€9.99 for Lobster. What's a Lobster doing taking money??
Jane said, "That's just your mobile phone provider mum"
But It Says Lobster (Madrid).... I'ver never been to Madrid!
 
I can`t find my "Gone in 60 seconds" dvd. It was there a minute ago.
 
I've found a great place that sells sausages online - I'll send you a link...
 
I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.
 
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.

Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" !!
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???
 
Would just like to remind you all that the semi final involving England will be shown live on terrestrial tv tomorrow night.

Except in Scotland where viewers will be able to watch re-runs of wish you were here.
 
Back
Top