"Today, I must sadly report, that the Economist I left in charge of the Health Service, is simply not up to the job. Who could have known, that when I appointed a man with a BA in Philosophy, Politics and Economics, a in chargn MPhil in Economics who was employed as an economist at the Bank of England before serving as a senior economic adviser and then later Chief of Staff to George Osborne that he would be so piss poor at being Secretary of State for Health and Social Care. There simply isn't a bus big enough for me to throw him under. Throughout all the weeks, nay months that I have been derelict in my duties as PM I have thought long and hard about what I could have done differently, such as appoint someone who knew what they were doing, but I am sad to say, as was the case when I searched for searched for my own moral fibre, I found nothing. Having previously launched his own app that the head of privacy rights group Big Brother Watch called a "fascinating comedy of errors", that collected its users' photographs, friend details, check-ins, and contact information and having also accepted money from a key backer of climate change denial the Global Warming Policy Foundation I felt certain he was the right man to play with a straight bat. Alas, not for the first time, I was wrong.
This in no way calls into question my own impeccable judgement and I am sure the public will join me in scapegoating him for everything that has gone wrong during the crisis so far. So do as I say, not as I do, Stay Alert, Protect the NHS, and save lives."