The Laughter Cemetery

[The Bear]

Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

 

[Paul]

I actually laughed at that

 

[The Bear]

I bumped into an old mate who I hadn't seen for years.

"What you doing now mate" I asked.
"I feed meals to the drop outs, down and outs, druggies, piss heads and the doleites" he said.

"So you're working for a charity?" I asked. "No" he replied. "I work for Wetherspoons".

 

[Langers]

I told the waiter we had reservations.

He said, "Why didn't you go somewhere else then?"

 

[jlo]

“You know I played a police officer in the last James Bond film?”

“In Spectre?”

“No, I was just a constable”

 

[Langers]

Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don’t Go Breaking My Heart"

I couldn't if I tried.

 

[The Bear]

It's being reported that the inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died.

His family are taking it really hard.

 

[The Bear]

I was camping last weekend, when a mate of mine said, I’m going to ran through this camp site naked!

I said, don’t you mean run through this camp site?

No, ran. He replied it’s past tents.

 

[Keef]

My new girlfriend is a policewoman with a taser,

Have to say she's a stunner.

 

[Jolemai]

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?



Anna one, Anna two ...

 

[Langers]

My wife says she’s leaving me as she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.

What fucking planet is she on?

 

[FrankMunro-371]

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey...

 

[BillyDee]

I thought that was a camel with three humps? A camel with no humps is a horse..?

 

[FrankMunro-371]

I thought that was a camel with three humps? A camel with no humps is a horse..?

Hump-free

 

[The Bear]

I got a hand job from a blind girl yesterday.

"You've got the biggest cock I've ever felt!" she said.

"You're pulling my leg" I replied.

 

[Keef]

Just seen an England fan with three lions on his chest,I'm guessing it's ruined his day out at the safari park

 

[The Bear]

Just got a new iPhone, so thought I'd try out Siri as I've not used it before.

"Surely it's not going to rain at the weekend is it?" I asked Siri.

"It is going to rain at the weekend, and don't call me Shirley", Siri replied.

Turns out I had it on Airplane mode.

 

[Langers]

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

 

[SLA]

I tried that new coconut shampoo last night.

It was great. The husks came up all nice and soft.

 

[Keef]

Sat in the garden all day drinking,I've had 11 yogurts,I'm absolutely mullared