The Laughter Cemetery

[FrankMunro-371]

My wife and I are having a competition on who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop. I've just taken the lead.

 

[Deleted Cyber]

What's the difference between Boris Johnson and a flying pig?
The letter "f".

chapeau Sir - made me chortle at work!

 

[Hereford Wolf]

Just seen a man slumped over his lawn mower crying.
I asked him if he was OK.
He said he was, he was just going through a rough patch.

 

[SLA]

I asked Morrissey, Andy Rourke and Mike Joyce if they had any yeast-based spread I could borrow. None of them did.

I wonder if Johnny Marr might...

 

[Tredman]

I asked Morrissey, Andy Rourke and Mike Joyce if they had any yeast-based spread I could borrow. None of them did.

I wonder if Johnny Marr might...

You listening to 6music SLA....?

 

[SLA]

You listening to 6music SLA....?

Yes! I think I've heard it before too. (Surely no-one's claiming to be making up their own jokes on this thread.)

 

[Tredman]

Yes! I think I've heard it before too. (Surely no-one's claiming to be making up their own jokes on this thread.)

I always thought Frank must make his jokes up, they are very unique

 

[SLA]

I always thought Frank must make his jokes up, they are very unique

Yeah, I was talking about jokes, not whatever Frank writes.

Though to be fair, I liked his last one.

 

[b3h]

The last one is a repost for sure

 

[machin05]

Username: Dangerzone
Password: F00tLoo$e

Kenny's Logins

 

[BillyDee]

Good deed done today, at Aldi check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £51.60 but when she counted out her change she had just under £50. She didn’t want me to help her bless her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

 

[BillyDee]

Meghan Markle is reportedly sad that her father will not be attending her wedding this weekend. Prince Harry has been comforting her, and reminded Meghan that his father won't be there either...

 

[Keef]

A weasel walks into a pub and asks for a drink,
The barman says " this is amazing,I've never served a weasel before,what you having?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.

 

[The Bear]

A Scouser and a Mancunian walk into a bakery.

The Scouser steals 3 buns (stereotyping alert!) and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Mancunian, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Mancunian replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The pair then walk back into the bakery. The Mancunian then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

He asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay, where's the magic trick?".

The Mancunian then said, "Look in the Scouser's pockets."

 

[b3h]

Ha

 

[b3h]

Always like your shit jokes Bear. I think you might just be the resident shit joker (bar Frank)

 

[Tredman]

Nicked off twitter:

2 dogs in a bar

Dog 1: "I heard a great joke today"

Dog 2: "Let's hear it then"

Dog1: "Knock kno..."

Dog2: goes fucking mental

 

[Dublin Drummer Wolf]

This thread was a lifesaver today!

I just finished a training phase and we always have a ceremony on the last day where we give trainees certificates and hand them over to Operations with all TLs present etc. Today many Team leaders were late and so were some of the trainees so I was left twiddling my thumbs as we need everyone there before we can start, so I asked if anyone liked Dad jokes and pulled a few rib ticklers off here. And the trainees actually laughed!

So yeah thanks to all who have contributed to the crap jokes, certainly got me out of a bind today.

 

[UKYankieWWFC]

What does a red neck divorce and a tornado have in common?

Some one is loosing a trailer

 

[Tredman]

Sounds painful.