The Laughter Cemetery
- Thread starter Langers
- Start date
FrankMunro-371
Active member
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2009
- Messages
- 33,315
- Reaction score
- 1
Very good Sir. I have made a note of that.
Jolemai
Well-known member
- Joined
- Feb 13, 2012
- Messages
- 8,061
- Reaction score
- 392
You actually did that, didn't you?
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2009
- Messages
- 52,944
- Reaction score
- 3,334
Probably why I'm divorced. Worth it though.
FrankMunro-371
Active member
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2009
- Messages
- 33,315
- Reaction score
- 1
He might have, but her lips are sealed...
FrankMunro-371
Active member
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2009
- Messages
- 33,315
- Reaction score
- 1
Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the M11 motorway at 11MPH so he says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
Parkins left foot
'Quirk's Gay Game Winner'
- Joined
- May 11, 2012
- Messages
- 20,569
- Reaction score
- 422
Doesn't this woman ever learn - 3rd time youv'e put this up here, but with different roads involved :wallbash:
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2009
- Messages
- 57,804
- Reaction score
- 8,553
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a sharp blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
'So I just switched their heads.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a sharp blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
'So I just switched their heads.'
FrankMunro-371
Active member
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2009
- Messages
- 33,315
- Reaction score
- 1
Finally Langers you have raised your standards with jokes that are worthy of this thread.
FrankMunro-371
Active member
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2009
- Messages
- 33,315
- Reaction score
- 1
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine.
What is yellow on the outside and gray on the inside?
A school bus full of elephants!
What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
Lost.
Nothing, he just let out a little wine.
What is yellow on the outside and gray on the inside?
A school bus full of elephants!
What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
Lost.
Tyrannosaurus Dan
Colonel Sanders
- Joined
- Jan 20, 2012
- Messages
- 19,240
- Reaction score
- 3,151
FrankMunro-371
Active member
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2009
- Messages
- 33,315
- Reaction score
- 1
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery.
Presently, a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare.
As she passed them she turned, smiled, and said: "Good morning father, good morning father." Nodding and addressing each of them individually.
They were both stunned; how in the world were they recognized as priests?
They went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "good morning father", "good morning father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn!"
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery.
Presently, a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare.
As she passed them she turned, smiled, and said: "Good morning father, good morning father." Nodding and addressing each of them individually.
They were both stunned; how in the world were they recognized as priests?
They went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "good morning father", "good morning father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn!"
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2010
- Messages
- 21,163
- Reaction score
- 5,392
An Englishman, an Italian and an Australian are in a bar talking about their sexual prowess.
The Englishman states that he is so good in bed that when he makes love to his wife she is in such a state of pleasure that when he has finished she lies motionless on the bed for 10 minutes afterwards.
The Italian then goes on to state that he when he finishes making love to his wife she is in such a state of ecstasy that she hovers six inches above the bed.
The Australian then says "That's nothing - when I shag my Mrs as soon as I've finished I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!
Remembered due to posts elsewhere. I just hope that I didn't read it earlier in this thread.
The Englishman states that he is so good in bed that when he makes love to his wife she is in such a state of pleasure that when he has finished she lies motionless on the bed for 10 minutes afterwards.
The Italian then goes on to state that he when he finishes making love to his wife she is in such a state of ecstasy that she hovers six inches above the bed.
The Australian then says "That's nothing - when I shag my Mrs as soon as I've finished I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!
Remembered due to posts elsewhere. I just hope that I didn't read it earlier in this thread.
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2009
- Messages
- 52,944
- Reaction score
- 3,334
The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on a buffalo hunt. When they stop to rest, Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens.
"Buffalo come," Tonto says.
"How do you know that?" asks the Lone Ranger.
"Ground sticky."
"Buffalo come," Tonto says.
"How do you know that?" asks the Lone Ranger.
"Ground sticky."
