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The Laughter Cemetery

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
 
Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead...


That just made me laugh.
 
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
 
The Police called at my house today and said my dog had just chased after someone on a bike.

I said, "That's strange, my dog doesn't have a bike."
 
What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador.
 
23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train in Dublin.
Police believe Irish branch of Al Queida have set off the first ever No More Nails bomb.


A friend has started a new business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
 
Paddy and Murphy were walking through a forest when they saw a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted."

Paddy says to Murphy, "Shame there's only two of us."
 
:icon_lol:

I know I shouldn't have laughed at that....
 
Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:

"WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN"

Husband texts back:

"GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER"

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"That's the Laptop fucked then!"
 
In Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife….

The couple had been happily married for 50 years. The husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much?!!!”

He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple he explained,“my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ‘ave wanted owt swanky’.

"Perhaps a small poem,” suggested the woman at the desk.

“Nay,” he said, “she wunt ‘ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put; ‘Gladys Braithwaite’s died’”

"You need to say when,’ he was told by the receptionist.

“Do I? Well, put died 17th March 2015. That’ll do.”

“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.”

The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed.’ That’ll do.’ he said.

“You can have another four words,” the woman explained.

“No, no!” he cried, “she wouldn’t ‘ave wanted me to splash out.”

“The words are included in the price,” the woman informed him.

“Are they? You mean I’ve paid for ‘em”

“Yes, indeed.”

“Well, if I’ve paid for ‘em” exclaimed the man, “I’m ‘avin’ ‘em.”

The obituary was duly printed as follows:

Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March 2015. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale.
 
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two
lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet
so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach
the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting
up the little boys by their armpits.

As she lifted one she couldn't help but notice that he was rather
well endowed, especially for a little kid.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
But thanks for the lift anyhow."
 
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