The Laughter Cemetery

[FrankMunro-371]

Why did Santa pour Lemsip into the chimney? He was coming down with the flue.

Special thanks to Kenny for that little beauty..

 

[FrankMunro-371]

I had a Christmas card this morning. The Envelope was full of Yorkshire Pudding mix....I love hearing from Aunt Bessie

 

[BillyDee]

My friend asked me if Star Wars The Force Awakens screenings were in 3D.

I said yes, but there R2D2.

 

[leedswolf]

 

[The Bear]

I just got a new phone for Christmas, although it only works in church.

It's a Pray-As-You-Go.

 

[Doctor Doog]

How do you know when your clock is hungry?

It goes back four seconds

 

[FrankMunro-371]

My new year resolution is to stop using spray on deodorants.

Roll on 2016..

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

My new year resolution is to stop using spray on deodorants.

Roll on 2016..

Jee Frank, that made me laugh more than a bit, and I haven't had a cypro all day.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Someone laughing at my jokes. Most unusual...!!!

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

Someone laughing at my jokes. Most unusual...!!!

Worry not, it's the lack of cypro.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

With Christmas just gone, I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home!
Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it..

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A lady driver was filmed adding a litre of oil to a car engine at a petrol station.
The picture does it for me - worth a thousand words.
(I guess it's a lot like cooking?)
http://i.imgur.com/gpALGIH.gif
Click on above line

 

[Wolf Hunting]

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

I think I got about 12 of these...

1: I prefer breasts to legs;
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist;
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts;
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change;
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go;
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin;
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up;
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang;
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning;
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more:

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Mr Tickle wanted to marry his girlfriend Tess. She declined, refusing to take his last name.

 

[Jolemai]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday."

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had in his field, so he asked his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts the sheep, and returns to the farmer.
The Farmer says "how many," "40" replied the dog. The farmer is surprised and says, "How can there be 40, I only bought 38.!"

"I rounded them up" says the sheepdog...

 

[Paul]

That did actually raise a smile

 

[Johnny75]

Wrong thread Frank, that's pretty good. Must be the meds (get well soon)

 

[FrankMunro-371]

I asked my boss what I should do with a six metre roll of bubble wrap we had.

"Just pop it in the corner" he said.

Four hours it took me...

 

[Wolf Hunting]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.