The Laughter Cemetery

[Wolf Hunting]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street; one from London, another from Bristol and the third, Cornwall..

They go with a government official to examine the wall.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Cornish contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Cornish contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that friends, ...... is how it all works.

 

[So Long Architect]

I've never been very good at geography, but i can name one city in France, which is nice.

 

[Johnny75]

Apparently today is the most popular day for Canadian dentists to go on safari.

Yes, it's Deadlion Day.

 

[Kenny]

6 month ban coming your way for that one....

 

[BillyDee]

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me...

 

[Dinowolf]

I got a new rifle and decided to try it out - went hunting rabbits this morning.
I got 3 in the first 5 minutes. The woman in the pet shop went mental.

 

[jlo]

How does NASA organise a party? They planet.

 

[Dinowolf]

Mom, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?

I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.

That's not going to work

Why not?

Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she had chosen:
.
4 pints of 2% fat milk
A carton of eggs
2 pints of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 500 gram jar of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
.
As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single”.
.
She was a bit startled by this statement, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.
.
She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “Yes you are right. But how on earth did you know that”?
.
The drunk replied, “Because you're ugly”.

 

[So Long Architect]

Small joke made up by my mate Gav. (Crediting him just in case it goes viral, starts attracting the big advertising money and he tries to sue me)

Q: What do you call a 3-headed, tap dancing dog?
A: Cerberus Forsyth

 

[Wolf Hunting]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £289,000 mortgage and no fuckin' bike.

 

[PPB]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £289,000 mortgage and no fuckin' bike.

:icon_lol:

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Paddy runs into the bar and says, "Mick, someone has stolen your car." Mick says, "Did you see who took it?" Paddy says " no but I got the registration number."

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Paddy has just been sacked from his job as an electrician in the United States. Apparently he refused to repair an electric chair because it was a death trap...

 

[Jolemai]

Jeremy Corben wore a tie in Parliament today. One taste of power and he's changed....

 

[Dinowolf]

Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!

 

[Langers]

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

 

[lemonjelly]

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

1983 wants its joke back mate...

 

[leedswolf]

 

[Dinowolf]

An Englishman walks into a bar.....

There's usually an Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman too, but they're all still at the Rugby World Cup.