The Laughter Cemetery

[Langers]

It'd work better if she was called Deirdre.

:nod:

 

[Dinowolf]

A mate has started supplying filofaxes to the mafia,
he's now involved in well organised crime.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

 

[PPB]

Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

So men can be open minded.

 

[Parkins left foot]

Militant feminists - I take my hat off to them.

They don't like that

(if Dino can quote Milton Jones-so can I)

 

[FrankMunro-371]

BREAKING NEWS..........Chris Eubank has just released his first book on ethics!! If successful his second book will be on Kent.......!!

 

[Paul]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby with a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice Fire truck."

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You 're probably right,

But then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[Paul]

I brought this edible chess set from a bakers, I had to take it back............

I said this edible chess set, its stale mate.

Baker says, are you sure

I said check mate.

 

[BillyDee]

What do you call an Australian who's good with a bat?

A vet.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed,particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."....................

 

[So Long Architect]

I just split up with a cross-eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone else.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Statistics recently released from the United Nations reveal that Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age will on average, have intimate relations two or three times a week, whereas Japanese men in the same age group will have intimate relations only once or twice a year.

This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.

 

[PPB]

Statistics recently released from the United Nations reveal that Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age will on average, have intimate relations two or three times a week, whereas Japanese men in the same age group will have intimate relations only once or twice a year.

This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.

:icon_lol:

 

[Dinowolf]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

 

[Dinowolf]

I really like this one, hope you do too

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's room mate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his room mate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the room mate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just room mates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum."

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A frog walks into a bank and asks to see a personal advisor about a loan. The personal advisor, a Miss Patricia Wakk, sits him down and asks how much he wants to borrow. “£15,000″ says the frog “I see”, says Miss Wakk, “And do you have any collateral to cover this loan?” “Yes”, says the frog and hands over a small pink pottery elephant “Erm, have you anything else, this probably won’t be enough.”, says Miss Wakk “I think that will be sufficient,” says the frog. “Well, I would have to check with the manager but I find it unlikely”, she says. “Oh I see, well be sure to mention my name when you ask him, it’s Kermit, Kermit Jagger. Does the name mean anything to you?” says the frog “Not really Mr Jagger, but if you would like to wait here I will be back in a moment.” says Patricia. With that she goes to see the manager. “I have a frog called Kermit Jagger outside who wants to borrow £15,000 using this as collateral.” she says. The manager looks at the elephant and says “okay then.” “But it’s £15,000!” protests Miss Wakk, “What on earth is that thing if it can be used as collateral for a £15,000 loan?” The manager sighs, hands back the elephant and says, “It’s a nick-nack Patti Wakk, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

 

[Jolemai]

Q: What kind if ghosts haunt chemistry labs?
A: Methylated spirits

 

[Wolf Hunting]

A father asked his 9-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that there's not really any shagging, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch .

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio .

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft
apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
They have a second home in Portugal.

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy.

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

[BillyDee]

There are two types of people in this world.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.