The Laughter Cemetery

[FrankMunro-371]

Murphy says to Paddy, "why are you talking into that envelope?"

Paddy replies " I'm sending a voicemail"

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.
He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?”
“Why, what have you got?”
“About £2 and a carrot.”

 

[PPB]

A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.
He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?”
“Why, what have you got?”
“About £2 and a carrot.”

What did the horse say when it fell?

I've fallen and I can't giddyup.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky.
The landlord says: "Hey, we've got a whisky named after you."
The horse replies: "What, George?"

 

[Parkins left foot]

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky.
The landlord says: "Hey, we've got a whisky named after you."
The horse replies: "What, George?"

Frank - surely you know that the horse's name is Alan, not George

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Brace yourselves...
Frank, you'll love these....

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

 

[Wolf Hunting]

I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
--- a fsh.

Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.

 

[The Bear]

Fucking hell they are all about 90 years old.

 

[BillyDee]

Little Wylmondsbury were playing Old Berkonians in the local village cricket cup final, a real grudge match. Minutes before the start of play the LW skipper was stressing, because he was a player short, and the competition rules stated a full XI was required for the game to go on.
A horse turned up, and said "are you playing cricket? Can I play? I can play cricket?" Desperate, the LW captain agreed, and the OB captain was only too happy to allow the newcomer to make up the numbers.
OB batted first, and batted well. Stuck out at on the boundary, the horse did little to help, and a commanding total of 274 was set from the allotted 40 overs.
LW began their reply, and whilst the runs came, wickets also fell. The LW skipper was still batting when in the last ball of the 39th over the ninth wicket fell, caught, and as the batsmen had crossed, it meant the horse would have to come to the crease to face the final over, with 32 runs required for an unlikely victory.
The OB captain had left his fastest most brutal bowler for the final over. The horse walked in, took his guard and awaited his first ball. Which he hit clean over the bowler's head for a six! The bowler shook his head and steamed in again for the second ball of the final over... Which also went for six! As did the third, fourth and fifth ball!
Now, with only two runs required for what had seemed an unlikely victory, everyone's breath was held as the bowlet steamed in and the horse... tried to smash it out of the park, but bottom edged it instead! It skipped through the slips, and whilst it wasn't going to reach the boundary, would surely be enough for the win?
"Run!" shouted the LW captain as he sprinted for the other end. But as he got there, the horse was stood still. "C'mon, run to the other end, then back, we can win this", shouted the skipper. But the horse just stood there.
The OB field eventually gathered the ball, and returned it to the empty end, where they smashed the stumps and rejoiced in their victory.
Fuming the LW captain turned to the horse and said "why the fuck didn't you run, we could have won that?"
To which the horse replied "IF I COULD FUCKING RUN, DO YOU THINK I WOULD BE PLAYING FUCKINIG CRICKET..?"

 

[Dinowolf]

Leg or breast, came the question?
A shaved pussy is my favourite, came the reply.
Perhaps not appropriate for KFC.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

I must say that recently the quality of the jokes has reached an all time low. Which is of course excellent news. Keep them coming.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Two astronauts were whiling away some time before a big space launch when one of them said, "I'm really hungry."

Upon hearing this the second one quipped, "So am I. I guess it must be launch time!"

 

[darlowolf64]

:tumbleweed:

 

[wanderer89]

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone".

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Brilliant, just brilliant. The good lady is wondering why I am on my laptop laughing my head off.

 

[Jolemai]

If I didn't know you better, I'd say that that was the most sarcastic you've ever been.

 

[Langers]

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone".

:icon_lol:

 

[machin05]

It'd work better if she was called Deirdre.