The Laughter Cemetery
- Thread starter Langers
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Tyrannosaurus Dan
Colonel Sanders
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Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married.
Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom she was expecting a little whisk-broom.
The groom broom was aghast. "How is this possible?" he asked. "We've never even swept together!"
Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom she was expecting a little whisk-broom.
The groom broom was aghast. "How is this possible?" he asked. "We've never even swept together!"
Stan Hullis
Talked the talk and walked the walk.
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:facepalm:
Jabbawolf
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Even Frank would have vetoed this one :icon_Red-Card:
Tyrannosaurus Dan
Colonel Sanders
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Aplogies if these are mentioned earlier in the thread as I'm not trawling through all 21 pages...
William Shakespeare walks into a bar and the barman shouts "Oi! You're Bard".
Two birds on a perch. One says, "Can you smell fish?"
Went to the zoo, it was rubbish. Only had one animal, a dog... It was a shih tzu.
Please don't ban me from this thread!
William Shakespeare walks into a bar and the barman shouts "Oi! You're Bard".
Two birds on a perch. One says, "Can you smell fish?"
Went to the zoo, it was rubbish. Only had one animal, a dog... It was a shih tzu.
Please don't ban me from this thread!
Tyrannosaurus Dan
Colonel Sanders
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Neither...although I'm sure Tim Vine has probably used them at some point. Not sure about Jeremy Vine though!
Tom Hark
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Oops!
darlowolf64
Supply Teacher & 2020/21 PTG Intertoto Cup winner
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Sheesh Dan. These are almost as bad as the one I was sent yesterday which goes......
We've got an Aviary at home but one of our Birds of Prey will only excercise at night, to '80s music.
Yep, Our Kestrel Manoeuvers In The Dark
Wolf Hunting
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
lemonjelly
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FFS someone find the bloody REAL joke thread!
Wolf Hunting
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Just had a quick look.
Couldn't find it, so I thought I'd leave you with this.
From my brother.
Again... sorry.
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couldn't find it, so I thought I'd leave you with this.
From my brother.
Again... sorry.
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Jolemai
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Bumped.
FrankMunro-371
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What's a Hindu?
Lay eggs.....
Lay eggs.....
FrankMunro-371
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Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90′s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, “Listen, when you die, do me a favour. I want to know if there’s a football team in heaven.”
The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that there’s a football team in heaven.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“You’re in goal on Wednesday.”
The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that there’s a football team in heaven.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“You’re in goal on Wednesday.”
FrankMunro-371
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A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’ll have a whisky and ……… soda.’ The bartender says, ‘Why the big pause?’ ‘Dunno,’ says the bear. ‘I’ve always had them.’
FrankMunro-371
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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
FrankMunro-371
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"
