Deutsch Wolf
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- Joined
- Oct 16, 2009
- Messages
- 109,214
- Reaction score
- 35,289
You've still got rogue apostrophes all over the place and everything I said about the content still holds. I'm not being nasty but that isn't up to standard at all. Also I'm no website expert but the whole look is dated, it looks like it was created in the late 90s (NB - no apostrophe).
If I were you, I would take it down and start all over again - as Machin says, you really need someone with a flair for writing to do it as well. I can't do it for you as I don't work for free.
When I'm sending back pieces after proofreading them so they can be re-drafted (and subsequently re-checked), it's common practice to include comments and annotations where the content is unclear or substandard. Obviously this hasn't happened. So, out of the goodness of my heart, here are some quick (but not comprehensive) observations. I'm not going to bother phrasing them as I would professionally, after all no-one's paying me for this:
Is this a slogan? It doesn't make much sense otherwise. Change the typeface if it is. You also need some kind of break in the sentence; eg "Cannock Radio - Live from the Heart of Cannock!". Even as a slogan I'm not sure it works. Cannock isn't really big enough to have a "heart" for a kickoff. But that's your call.
You don't need to tell me you're a radio station, I know that. "Based online and via Tune-in radio" is inelegant at best. "An online station also available through Tune-In Radio" would work better.
Ok, this is what I mean about a lot of words that don't say anything. If you can define for me what "the family aspect of radio" is then great, but as it is I don't know.
As opposed to rubbish music? You don't need this.
Again, people are familiar with the concept of online radio. We know you can listen to stations from anywhere in the world. But not only is this unnecessary, obvious information, it seems muddled - is your station primarily looking for a local or a worldwide audience? Mixed message.
Get rid of those apostrophes. You don't need "from all over the world".
Gramatically and everything this is ok, but it doesn't really go anywhere or tell me anything. You're meant to be drawing me in to listen to your station. This doesn't say a great deal.
Again this doesn't fit with your "broadcasting around the world" stuff. It also limits your audience somewhat, don't you think? I don't know many people in Cannock and I only live about eight miles away.
Rogue apostrophe in "egos". Some would say an element of ego is needed to broadcast on radio anyway? Does Chris Evans have an ego? I would say so and he's one of the most successful DJs of the last 20 years. Ditto Howard Stern. Or Chris Moyles. Or John Peel. Or Terry Wogan.
You don't want "try" in there, be bolder in your mission statement. You don't need "the listener" there either.
Rogue apostrophe in "shows". The rest of it...again it doesn't really say much. Entertainment is a given, surely. Again you're limiting yourself with the last part - sure, the emphasis is on a local station to serve the community. Great. But realistically - how many people really care about what's happening in Cannock? Do you really have sufficient material in terms of ultra-local news, events etc to skew your content that way? And who's going to listen from outside the area if all you're telling me about is news and events in an area where I don't live or never visit?
"Listen to us with the play button" needs rephrasing, far too clunky. "Facebook" and "Like" should really be capitalised in that context. Do you really want to focus on Facebook Likes anyway? I'd have thought Twitter were a more effective medium. That's up to you though.
Ok, thanks.
You see what I mean? Practically every line needs re-writing and restructuring completely and even then, what you're left with doesn't tell me any more than this is a radio station, it is in Cannock, there will be some unspecified amount of unspecified local content, you'll be playing popular music from across a 40 year span and you are on Facebook. Even as a short term placeholder it doesn't really do the job.
Seriously, I'm trying to be constructive. You can't go into this half-arsed with nothing but good intentions to back you up. It has to look and sound professional from the off. If you go away and get it rewritten properly with clear, defined statements that spell out what the station stands for, what it's going to broadcast, how it's different to what's already out there and who it's really aimed at then I *might*, at some point, be able to do a similar proofreading job for you, gratis. Note *might*, it depends on what else I have to do at any given time, so no promises.
Also I would seriously consult someone - be it on here or elsewhere - on making the site as a whole look less like it belongs in 1998. I cannot help you there as I have no knowledge beyond remembering what websites looked like in the last century.
If I were you, I would take it down and start all over again - as Machin says, you really need someone with a flair for writing to do it as well. I can't do it for you as I don't work for free.
When I'm sending back pieces after proofreading them so they can be re-drafted (and subsequently re-checked), it's common practice to include comments and annotations where the content is unclear or substandard. Obviously this hasn't happened. So, out of the goodness of my heart, here are some quick (but not comprehensive) observations. I'm not going to bother phrasing them as I would professionally, after all no-one's paying me for this:
Is this a slogan? It doesn't make much sense otherwise. Change the typeface if it is. You also need some kind of break in the sentence; eg "Cannock Radio - Live from the Heart of Cannock!". Even as a slogan I'm not sure it works. Cannock isn't really big enough to have a "heart" for a kickoff. But that's your call.
You don't need to tell me you're a radio station, I know that. "Based online and via Tune-in radio" is inelegant at best. "An online station also available through Tune-In Radio" would work better.
Ok, this is what I mean about a lot of words that don't say anything. If you can define for me what "the family aspect of radio" is then great, but as it is I don't know.
As opposed to rubbish music? You don't need this.
Again, people are familiar with the concept of online radio. We know you can listen to stations from anywhere in the world. But not only is this unnecessary, obvious information, it seems muddled - is your station primarily looking for a local or a worldwide audience? Mixed message.
Get rid of those apostrophes. You don't need "from all over the world".
Gramatically and everything this is ok, but it doesn't really go anywhere or tell me anything. You're meant to be drawing me in to listen to your station. This doesn't say a great deal.
Again this doesn't fit with your "broadcasting around the world" stuff. It also limits your audience somewhat, don't you think? I don't know many people in Cannock and I only live about eight miles away.
Rogue apostrophe in "egos". Some would say an element of ego is needed to broadcast on radio anyway? Does Chris Evans have an ego? I would say so and he's one of the most successful DJs of the last 20 years. Ditto Howard Stern. Or Chris Moyles. Or John Peel. Or Terry Wogan.
You don't want "try" in there, be bolder in your mission statement. You don't need "the listener" there either.
Rogue apostrophe in "shows". The rest of it...again it doesn't really say much. Entertainment is a given, surely. Again you're limiting yourself with the last part - sure, the emphasis is on a local station to serve the community. Great. But realistically - how many people really care about what's happening in Cannock? Do you really have sufficient material in terms of ultra-local news, events etc to skew your content that way? And who's going to listen from outside the area if all you're telling me about is news and events in an area where I don't live or never visit?
"Listen to us with the play button" needs rephrasing, far too clunky. "Facebook" and "Like" should really be capitalised in that context. Do you really want to focus on Facebook Likes anyway? I'd have thought Twitter were a more effective medium. That's up to you though.
Ok, thanks.
You see what I mean? Practically every line needs re-writing and restructuring completely and even then, what you're left with doesn't tell me any more than this is a radio station, it is in Cannock, there will be some unspecified amount of unspecified local content, you'll be playing popular music from across a 40 year span and you are on Facebook. Even as a short term placeholder it doesn't really do the job.
Seriously, I'm trying to be constructive. You can't go into this half-arsed with nothing but good intentions to back you up. It has to look and sound professional from the off. If you go away and get it rewritten properly with clear, defined statements that spell out what the station stands for, what it's going to broadcast, how it's different to what's already out there and who it's really aimed at then I *might*, at some point, be able to do a similar proofreading job for you, gratis. Note *might*, it depends on what else I have to do at any given time, so no promises.
Also I would seriously consult someone - be it on here or elsewhere - on making the site as a whole look less like it belongs in 1998. I cannot help you there as I have no knowledge beyond remembering what websites looked like in the last century.
