The Laughter Cemetery
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FrankMunro-371
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Excellent Jolemai. That is the quality of joke that we expect in this fun palace....
FrankMunro-371
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Another great joke..
Q: Why was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2 to 4 years.
Q: Why was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2 to 4 years.
FrankMunro-371
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I had a happy childhood. I remember our Dad rolling us down a grassy bank in an old tyre. They were goodyears!!!!!!
Wolf Hunting
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The Hunting Accident …
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your cock which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your cock which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Monstrum
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i'm not sure if this is considered offensive, but here goes...
there is this homosexual older gentleman. he is quite a size-queen and he is after a youngster who is very well endowed. however he is unsure on how to select such a specimen, so he asks several of his friends. they tell him, the most likely candidate will be the one with the largest feet- the bigger the foot, the more well endowed he will usually be.
so the older gentleman goes to a gay bar, spends all night drinking and trying to determine who has the largest feet. suddenly he noticed a large man dressed in cowboy gear with ENORMOUS feet covered in cowboy boots. absolutely huge feet, so the older gentleman spends most of the night trying to get him drunk and coax him into leaving with him. he finally succeeds and they head home. however, the older gentleman is quite horny, having spent all night thinking about the size of the cowboy's package, so he can't take it anymore and tells the cowboy:
"look, i'm going to drop my pants here in the corner and bend over. i want you to take a run up and stick it in my behind as hard as you can"
the cowboy agrees, and he takes a run up with his pants down... however due to the fact that he's drunk and his huge boots, he slips and instead of entering the older gentleman with his penis, he enters him face first with his head instead. the older gentleman stands there stoicly for a while, not being able to turn around and eventually asks:
"boy, aren't those boots too tight for you?"
there is this homosexual older gentleman. he is quite a size-queen and he is after a youngster who is very well endowed. however he is unsure on how to select such a specimen, so he asks several of his friends. they tell him, the most likely candidate will be the one with the largest feet- the bigger the foot, the more well endowed he will usually be.
so the older gentleman goes to a gay bar, spends all night drinking and trying to determine who has the largest feet. suddenly he noticed a large man dressed in cowboy gear with ENORMOUS feet covered in cowboy boots. absolutely huge feet, so the older gentleman spends most of the night trying to get him drunk and coax him into leaving with him. he finally succeeds and they head home. however, the older gentleman is quite horny, having spent all night thinking about the size of the cowboy's package, so he can't take it anymore and tells the cowboy:
"look, i'm going to drop my pants here in the corner and bend over. i want you to take a run up and stick it in my behind as hard as you can"
the cowboy agrees, and he takes a run up with his pants down... however due to the fact that he's drunk and his huge boots, he slips and instead of entering the older gentleman with his penis, he enters him face first with his head instead. the older gentleman stands there stoicly for a while, not being able to turn around and eventually asks:
"boy, aren't those boots too tight for you?"
Wolf Hunting
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I thought at first this was in the wrong thread, it should be in the 'Joke' thread, but no, you're right.
Don't know what the owner of the thread will think though....
Don't know what the owner of the thread will think though....
FrankMunro-371
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One or two rude jokes creeping into this splendid thread, so I shall return the jokes to the expected standard...
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."
Dinowolf
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WARNING
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco's.
You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked.
Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen Oct 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On Nov 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better.
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco's.
You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked.
Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen Oct 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On Nov 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better.
Wolf Hunting
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Frank this is a really crap joke. It can go nowhere else but in this fun cemetary of yours.
It's from my brother and when I got it, I smiled, because I thought of you... It was the only time I smiled, so here you are...
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, Madam,” he said, “I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!”, gasped Mrs Smith..
“Madam, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs Smith quietly
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh, my God!” Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
“Yes,” the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs Smith leaned forward.. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.”
Mrs Smith fainted.
It's from my brother and when I got it, I smiled, because I thought of you... It was the only time I smiled, so here you are...
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, Madam,” he said, “I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!”, gasped Mrs Smith..
“Madam, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs Smith quietly
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh, my God!” Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
“Yes,” the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs Smith leaned forward.. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.”
Mrs Smith fainted.
lemonjelly
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A woman walked into the bar & asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one...
FrankMunro-371
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A short rib tickler to get you in the Christmas spirit....
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him
Wolf Hunting
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This'll get you into the Polish spirit of things Frank...
Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..
After six months, the therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too.”
Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..
After six months, the therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too.”
Del Woppio
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What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?
A nurse can take a temperature
A nurse can take a temperature
pavlosmacwolf
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Jolemai, they are all fine with me, made me titter. Worry not , it's a known fact that irish people laugh loudest at Irish jokes, we all know at least one of the characters in person.
