manhattan project
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Three more have come forward to complain about being fingered by dead BBC stars. In a joint statement, Sooty, Sweep and Sue said it went on for fucking years.
The Laughter Cemetery
- Thread starter Langers
- Start date
MARKakaJIM
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Wasn't Sooty on ITV?
Wolf Hunting
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My brother has just sent this to me.
I thought of just deleting it, then I thought of this humour landfill site....
I accept no responsibility......
“Fifty Shades of Grey Hair”
The missus bought a paperback
down WH Smith's on Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread….
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said… I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell, stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of grey.”
I thought of just deleting it, then I thought of this humour landfill site....
I accept no responsibility......
“Fifty Shades of Grey Hair”
The missus bought a paperback
down WH Smith's on Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread….
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said… I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell, stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of grey.”
pavlosmacwolf
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truly shakespearesan, made me laugh, by the way i didn't know PPB was 84? she's cetainly kept well.
Not quite 84, cheeky sod !
Newbridge Wolf
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I just read a survey of the most popular ways to get home from the pub after a night on the piss
The results were staggering....
The results were staggering....
FrankMunro-371
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Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless Mummy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France." "Fred," said his father, "why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?" "Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"
FrankMunro-371
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Time to lift the gloom methinks...
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "I came upon a gang of macho pirates who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest, meanest, nastiest one. I smacked him on the head, knocked the parrot off his shoulder, ripped out his ear ring and threw it on the ground and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" The man replies, "Just a couple of minutes ago..."
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "I came upon a gang of macho pirates who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest, meanest, nastiest one. I smacked him on the head, knocked the parrot off his shoulder, ripped out his ear ring and threw it on the ground and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" The man replies, "Just a couple of minutes ago..."
FrankMunro-371
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A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "#@$!, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or God will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I #@$!’n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or God will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh #@$!…" The priest said, "That’s it God will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "#@$!, I Missed".
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Fifty Sheds Of Grey
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now we have Fifty Sheds Of Grey, which offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall ... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped.
"Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now we have Fifty Sheds Of Grey, which offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall ... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped.
"Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
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How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler!
And because this is the Frank joke one, it seems the appropriate thread..
Does anyone else find singing "The Lion sleeps tonight" is always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.........
Go for the juggler!
And because this is the Frank joke one, it seems the appropriate thread..
Does anyone else find singing "The Lion sleeps tonight" is always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.........
FrankMunro-371
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*The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
Wolf Hunting
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Another one from my brother. Goes in here deffo!
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife,Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr.Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife,Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr.Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
Jolemai
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Just a copy and paste from another forum. If you are easily offended then go check another thread!
Booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife.
It was bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with
just a small white area so I've called him Sandwell.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins
of ham then delete it.
It’s Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds
every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused
in Indian sweatshops.
Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little
bastards deserved it!
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and
put a cherry on my head.
Yeah, life was tough in the gateau
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather.
Fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
News flashes:
1. Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing
involved, it’s all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s
definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland,Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest,
but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was
anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night -
to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
Booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife.
It was bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with
just a small white area so I've called him Sandwell.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins
of ham then delete it.
It’s Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds
every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused
in Indian sweatshops.
Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little
bastards deserved it!
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and
put a cherry on my head.
Yeah, life was tough in the gateau
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather.
Fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
News flashes:
1. Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing
involved, it’s all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s
definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland,Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest,
but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was
anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night -
to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
Premier Quality
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Pfizer have just announced a new Viagra pill - they're calling it 007.
It doesn't make you James Bond but it makes you Roger Moore.
It doesn't make you James Bond but it makes you Roger Moore.
