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The Laughter Cemetery

The sad thing is Frank, when you say that is your best joke, I actually believe you.
 
Getting old is a terrible thing. This morning I went upstairs then forgot why, so I went back down to try and jog my memory. That's when I shit myself!
 
The Bear said:
Getting old is a terrible thing. This morning I went upstairs then forgot why, so I went back down to try and jog my memory. That's when I shit myself!
Click to expand...

:icon_lol:

Wrong thread!
 
When someone yells stop,
I don't know if it's in the name of love,
it's hammer time, or if I should
collaborate and listen.
 
Q: What did on Dolphin say to the other?

A: You did that on porpoise.
 
Just seen a dyslexic northerner wearing a Cat Flap.
 
So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"
 
Two coffee spitters there from the bear and bandyrastard, brilliant!
 
I heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall. It turns out her elderly mother had fallen over and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall for help with her stick. I feel a bit guilty about the wank now.
 
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
 
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: I am the pope.

St. Peter: Who? There's no such name in my book.
The Pope: I'm the representative of God on Earth.

St. Peter: Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ...
The Pope: But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ...

St. Peter: The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss. St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth.
God: I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus. (Yells for Jesus)

Jesus: Yes father, what's up?
God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.

Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!
 
Dave what has happened to your rip ticklers? your Jokes are really starting to fall back in to the old drivel. Up your game sir but as always it is good for you to keep trying.
 
Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
 
FrankMunro-371 said:
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: I am the pope.

St. Peter: Who? There's no such name in my book.
The Pope: I'm the representative of God on Earth.

Hey there brother Frank, steady with the pope jokes or the little sisters go "off limits" my boy.

St. Peter: Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ...
The Pope: But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ...

St. Peter: The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss. St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth.
God: I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus. (Yells for Jesus)

Jesus: Yes father, what's up?
God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.

Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!
Click to expand...

Hey there brother Frank, steady with the pope jokes or the little sisters go "off limits" my boy.
 
FrankMunro-371 said:
Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
Click to expand...

and now irish jokes??? OK sisters off limits for two weeks, and i've already had the locks changed.

And do be doing any of that "father forgive me" crap, I've told you before, it was the fucking milkman!!!
 
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