manhattan project
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Newton's third law of emotions. For every male action there is a female overreaction!
The Laughter Cemetery
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Wolf Hunting
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REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo....?
It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo....?
It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
Wolf Hunting
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Not really a joke, but it's going on here anyway.
It’s predicted that by 2025, no living person will ever be more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.
It’s predicted that by 2025, no living person will ever be more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.
Jolemai
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate
contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known
To dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to
be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate
contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known
To dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to
be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
FrankMunro-371
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I went to see a band last night and there was a Spanish guy doing the sound check. Juan Tu.
Jolemai
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More rib ticklers from Frank's Christmas Crackers!
1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.
7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'
11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
'Is it common, doc?'
'Well, it's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really, really, heavy'
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Oh, now, don't you start.'
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.
7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'
11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
'Is it common, doc?'
'Well, it's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really, really, heavy'
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Oh, now, don't you start.'
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Last edited:
Wolf Hunting
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You've been lurking around in the archive again haven't you?
Almost a direct lift from when I put it up a couple of years ago, and even then it appears to have been posted before.
However, always good to see some of these again.
Number 21 still makes me laugh....
Almost a direct lift from when I put it up a couple of years ago, and even then it appears to have been posted before.
However, always good to see some of these again.
Number 21 still makes me laugh....
Jolemai
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No archives this time, just a copy from elsewhere. However jokes like that need a repost sometimes to remind us which thread is which.
As for number 21 would you like me to hold off from posting that type of "joke" in future? I meant no offense.
***
Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit panel van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out:
"Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,
obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration,
opened the window, snaps the aerial antenna off his van
and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks
left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit
so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks:
"Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred
let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires,
eventually admits, "Yes, I did."
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims:
"I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor,
you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
As for number 21 would you like me to hold off from posting that type of "joke" in future? I meant no offense.
***
Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit panel van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out:
"Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,
obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration,
opened the window, snaps the aerial antenna off his van
and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks
left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit
so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks:
"Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred
let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires,
eventually admits, "Yes, I did."
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims:
"I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor,
you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
Wolf Hunting
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No!
I genuinely thought it was funny, you can keep them coming!
Usual thing... if you're going to get offended by a joke on this forum, you shouldn't be looking at threads like this.
Jolemai
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Newbridge Wolf
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''So how long have you been a roadie'' I asked
''One, two, one, two, two years'' he replied
''One, two, one, two, two years'' he replied
FrankMunro-371
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An eager, but less than bright, young entrepreneur decides to
go into the painting business. So he wanders into the rich part
of town, paint brush in hand, and knocks at the door of a
large house.
"Good day, sir. I was wondering if you had any painting you
need done."
The owner of the house, a rich man by any standard, looks
speculatively at the painter. He perceives a vibrant
entrepreneurial spirit, which reminds him of his own ambition
in his younger days.
"Hmmm. Yes, I think my porch needs a coat or two of paint."
The eager young painter rushes off around the side of the house...
Several hours later, he returns to the front door, his clothes
dripping paint, and knocks again.
"Sir, I've finished! But I have to tell you, that wasn't a porch, it
was a Ferarri."
go into the painting business. So he wanders into the rich part
of town, paint brush in hand, and knocks at the door of a
large house.
"Good day, sir. I was wondering if you had any painting you
need done."
The owner of the house, a rich man by any standard, looks
speculatively at the painter. He perceives a vibrant
entrepreneurial spirit, which reminds him of his own ambition
in his younger days.
"Hmmm. Yes, I think my porch needs a coat or two of paint."
The eager young painter rushes off around the side of the house...
Several hours later, he returns to the front door, his clothes
dripping paint, and knocks again.
"Sir, I've finished! But I have to tell you, that wasn't a porch, it
was a Ferarri."
FrankMunro-371
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A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The man says, “I’m a snail."
The host says, "And who's that on your back?"
And the man says, "That's Michelle!"
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The man says, “I’m a snail."
The host says, "And who's that on your back?"
And the man says, "That's Michelle!"
FrankMunro-371
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Thank you Langers.
Why did the shy snail drink?
‘to come out of his shell!’
Why did the other snail drink?
‘because he was an alcoholic!’
Why did the shy snail drink?
‘to come out of his shell!’
Why did the other snail drink?
‘because he was an alcoholic!’
