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The Laughter Cemetery

Jermaine Pennant banned for drink driving. Obviously misunderstood Tony Pullis' request for the team to pick up more points on the road.
 
How do you get a cork back into a champagne bottle.
Dunno you will have to ask a man utd fan.
 
There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock" over and over.After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front ofhim.An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn`t even do.The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick...Tick..."The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so schmart! But I`m telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"
 
There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they re dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned? . Then the second Snake says “Why do you ask?” The 1st one replies: “I just bit my lip!”
 
A cowboy rides into town and hitches his horse to a post. He then lifts his horse’s tail and kisses its backside. An old-timer is watching and asks what’s going on. ‘It helps my chapped lips,’ replies the cowboy. ‘Y’ mean kissing a horse’s backside cures ’em?’ says the old timer. ‘It doesn’t cure them,’ replies the cowboy. ‘But it stops me from licking them.’
 
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I walked here. How am I gonna carry all this home?

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket .... and I'll hold the chickens."
 
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether........


"Dunno" said God. " I just fancied a multi storey carp ark"




























_____________________________
 
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.



* 'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.
 
A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?'and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.' The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.' The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'
 
An Canadian man who eight months ago decided to spend his life in a giant redwood tree has died.

He fell out of it.
 
It ruins them when I have to explain them, but he died because he fell out of the tree.....
 
I wish you had deleted this thread after all.

Bloody hell man - that's just dreadful.
 
Thank you.

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.
 
The tree one isn't a joke though. I can accept shit jokes, in fact I like shit jokes, but they do have to be jokes.
 
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