FrankMunro-371
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I told you the quality would improve....
The Laughter Cemetery
- Thread starter Langers
- Start date
I told you the quality would improve....
So Long Architect
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Or not...
Walt Disney drew his famous mother and baby deer using both hands simultaneously.
He could do this because he was bambidextrous.
Walt Disney drew his famous mother and baby deer using both hands simultaneously.
He could do this because he was bambidextrous.
So Long Architect
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What did Cinderella say when she had a bad experience with the Boots photographic department....
"One day my prints will come."
You'll be glad to know we've used all the crackers now.
"One day my prints will come."
You'll be glad to know we've used all the crackers now.
Wolf Hunting
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At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers, Low grade but acceptable".
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass.... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass... ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished, he winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, drives a Peugeot, and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers, Low grade but acceptable".
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass.... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass... ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished, he winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, drives a Peugeot, and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
Wolf Hunting
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Theatre Seats.
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."
Newbridge Wolf
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I've probably posted this before but what the hell, the best email ever in my opinion
ONE-POINT DARE
1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
THREE-POINT DARES
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any p*rnography web sites.
FIVE-POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5. When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''.
6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. Sign or pp all letters with your initials and a sw*stika.
15. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight".
ONE-POINT DARE
1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
THREE-POINT DARES
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any p*rnography web sites.
FIVE-POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5. When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''.
6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. Sign or pp all letters with your initials and a sw*stika.
15. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight".
Wolf Hunting
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man sits on the side of the bed. looking at all warm and cosy, listening to the rain belting down outside, then with a big sigh, does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man sits on the side of the bed. looking at all warm and cosy, listening to the rain belting down outside, then with a big sigh, does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
pavlosmacwolf
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Coffee spitter well played wolfie
MARKakaJIM
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If only i'd had that list of dares available to me at IKEA, really could've brightened up some dull shifts.
FrankMunro-371
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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Wolf Hunting
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Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked,
'What is the fastest thing you know of?
'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.
''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.
'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.
''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself.
'Wally is now working at a Aldi near you!
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked,
'What is the fastest thing you know of?
'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.
''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.
'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.
''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself.
'Wally is now working at a Aldi near you!
James
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A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a breath test.
Driver pulls out NHS card - 'this man is asthmatic please do not take his breath'.
Policeman then asks him to take a blood test. Driver pulls out a second NHS card - 'this man is anemic please do not take his blood'.
Policeman asks him to take a urine test. Driver pulls out a season ticket - 'this man is a Villa fan please do not take the piss'.
Driver pulls out NHS card - 'this man is asthmatic please do not take his breath'.
Policeman then asks him to take a blood test. Driver pulls out a second NHS card - 'this man is anemic please do not take his blood'.
Policeman asks him to take a urine test. Driver pulls out a season ticket - 'this man is a Villa fan please do not take the piss'.
Wolf Hunting
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I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just reached 68).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the fuck do you want to live to 90?
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just reached 68).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the fuck do you want to live to 90?
So Long Architect
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How do pubic lice get home from hospital?
On crotches.
On crotches.
Wolf Hunting
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Barack Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barack goes first.
What will the USA be like in 100 years time?
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries.
David thinks it's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that so he asks:
What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.
Come on David says Barack what does it say?
David replies, Fucked if I know! It's all in Arabic!
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barack goes first.
What will the USA be like in 100 years time?
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries.
David thinks it's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that so he asks:
What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.
Come on David says Barack what does it say?
David replies, Fucked if I know! It's all in Arabic!
FrankMunro-371
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Woman: My grandad drowned in varnish.
Man: What a horrible way to go.
Woman: Yes, but a beautiful finish.
Man: What a horrible way to go.
Woman: Yes, but a beautiful finish.
FrankMunro-371
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With the recent scare over beef burgers I thought I had better chech mine. So I opened my freezer door, and they're off!!
