The Laughter Cemetery

[FrankMunro-371]

A guy notices that his new blonde girlfriend brings two glasses to bed each night, one empty and the other filled with water. “Why do you do that?” he asked. She answered, “Well, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I don’t know if I’m going to be thirsty or not.”

 

[Langers]

Frank - that is appalling. Even for you.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Frank - that is appalling. Even for you.

Thank you Langers. I aim to please....

‘I said to a friend, “Is there a B&Q in Henley?” He said, “No, there’s an H, an E, an N, an L and a Y”.’

 

[Jolemai]

Haha

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Did you hear about the man who invented rear view mirrors?

He hasn't looked back since....

 

[Newbridge Wolf]

Brilliant Frank, keep them coming!

 

[James]

Frank what ever happened to you being the "forum's It Expert"? This is a huge demotion for you.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Thank you Langers. I aim to please....

‘I said to a friend, “Is there a B&Q in Henley?” He said, “No, there’s an H, an E, an N, an L and a Y”.’

Frank, that's quite a good joke but it's wrong!!
Boozer was so bored and had lots of time on his hands so he checked up and found that there are 5 Henley's in the UK and they do actually have a B&Q!

He sent me this...

Henley, Crewkerne, Somerset
Henley, Dorchester, Dorset
Henley, Haslemere, Surrey
Henley, Henley-on-Thames, Oxfordshire
Henley, Ipswich, Suffolk

Unless you were thinking of Henley, in the Orkney Isles...

 

[Jolemai]

Top ten jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe:

Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know why."

Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

 

[The Bear]

The last one is excellent.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Frank, that's quite a good joke but it's wrong!!
Boozer was so bored and had lots of time on his hands so he checked up and found that there are 5 Henley's in the UK and they do actually have a B&Q!

He sent me this...

Henley, Crewkerne, Somerset
Henley, Dorchester, Dorset
Henley, Haslemere, Surrey
Henley, Henley-on-Thames, Oxfordshire
Henley, Ipswich, Suffolk

Unless you were thinking of Henley, in the Orkney Isles...

He checked up.....that is very worrying!!

 

[FrankMunro-371]

I thought I would celebrate our victory with this rib tickler. I might do this after every victory.::
=============================================================

"Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
===============================================================

 

[James]

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A man was driving to work when a box fell off the back of a lorry in front of him. The box burst open and spread upholstery tacks all over the road. The man swerved violently but fortunately managed to avoid the tacks and any punctures. Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. "I'm sorry sir," the policeman told the driver, "I am going to have to write you a ticket for that." Amazed, the driver asked "what for?"
The policeman replied, "Tacks evasion."

 

[Penk Wolf]

Why does a milk stool only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

Usain Bolt went to a golf reception and was told "Sorry sir, we don't let black people play here. There's another club 10 minutes down the road." "But I'm Usain Bolt" he said." "Alright 3 minutes down the road you clever twat".

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Like it Penk......

The teacher asks Simon if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me."
"Can you tell me what comes after three?"
"Four," answers Simon.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven," answers Simon.
"Very good," says the teacher. "your father did a very good job. Now what comes after ten?"
"A jack," answers Simon.

 

[Penk Wolf]

If anybody knows any of the London rioters can you inform them that their 12 month manufacturers warranty is up next week.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again ?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser

 

[PPB]

Two women go out one evening without their husbands. As they walk back home, both drunk and desperate for a wee, they noticed the nearest place to stop was in the cemetery. The first one didn't have anything to wipe herself with and so she took off her pants, used them, and discarded them. The 2nd one , not havng anything either thought " i'm not using my pants..." so she used the ribbon off a nearby flower wreath. The following day the two hubbies were talking on the phone and the one says " we have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her knickers " The other responded " You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her arse that read ' we will never forget you ' .


Yes , an old one, but still makes me laugh, as it reminds me of my friend !

 

[YoungWolf]

Thanks for posting it in the right thread PPB