The All New Alan Partridge Thread

[Deutsch Wolf]

Please don't do that, Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead the Third.

 

[Deutsch Wolf]

Something else I do far too much in real life:

 

[ROVERT47]

I'm gonna hump ya. Like Deputy Dawg... would hump ya."

 

[Stan Hullis]

One of the Partners in my office just answered the phone and proceded to say "AH HAAA"

I couldnt help but think of this thread!

 

[Langers]

Please don't do that, Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead the Third.

:icon_lol:

"What do your parents think of all this?"

"Not keen."

 

[Deutsch Wolf]

Get yourself a girlfriend.

 

[Langers]

"It's on the market for £325,000."

"Would you accept three hundred and twenty..........four?"

"Yep."

 

[Deutsch Wolf]

You could swing a tiger in here. Wouldn't want to though. Not unless it had been stunned. Even then, it's going to weigh the best part of a ton.

 

[Langers]

I would say she was big hearted but that would be bullshit.

 

[Deutsch Wolf]

What a lovely sense of humour. What a triumph of the human spirit.

 

[Langers]

I think I'll have a pint of bitter!*


*Another often quoted phrase.

 

[Deutsch Wolf]

She was certainly first in the queue when they were giving out erm.....chests. Mammary glands.

 

[Nando]

It's not going to drive off by itself, it's not Herbie.

 

[Deutsch Wolf]

I made myself unpopular with the hostess of a party a couple of years back.

Got passed some rubbish on a stick which was allegedly edible, I said "It's like some sort of voodoo canapé". She didn't see the funny side.

Needless to say, I had the last laugh.

 

[Nando]

I'm not a raver, I'm straight.

 

[Deutsch Wolf]

"See the match?"
"Which one?"
"Dunno"

"See, you may laugh, but there's a serious point here. I mean no offence Lynn..."
"Oh, none taken"
"Hang on, you haven't heard what I'm going to say yet. Listen to what I'm going to say before you decide whether or not to take offence. No offence Lynn, but your life is technically not worth insuring."

 

[Nando]

Don't smile, you've broken your neck.

 

[Langers]

"What's wrong with masturbation?"
"I don't like it."
"Well don't do it."

 

[Deutsch Wolf]

Have you got a battery for an Ericsson?

 

[Langers]

Listen love, the BBC may be many things but porn it ain't. The only way to access hardcore pornography is to mail off for a satellite smart card decoder, then you're in business.