The Advice Thread

[Paul]

Ok thanks mate, I'm new to all this

 

[PPB]

If you pay for the internet, learn how to change the router password when you go to bed.

This. Also make him get his own meals, do his own laundry. Better still, next time he can pull himself away from his games and he ventures off out, change the door locks.

 

[lemonjelly]

Ok thanks mate, I'm new to all this

Yep, TT is correct.
You have 6 months entitlement to contribution based JSA. This is paid based upon NI contributions you have made across the past 3 years (kinda - it's a complicated discussion relating to benefit years, and tax years, and calendar years).

As your entitlement is based upon contributions, spousal income, and joint savings is ignored. Payments last for a maximum of 26 weeks.

After this time, if you are still out of work, you would be reassessed based on household income for UC.

 

[Paul]

Cheers my dear !

Where you been all week ?

 

[lemonjelly]

On the stepson thing, at the end of the day, you're going to have to discuss this with your good lady.
However, equally, don't assume he will always be this way. There will be other factors that will trigger his wanting to change too.

It sounds like you want him to change instantly. This is not going to happen. Have a think about what you want, and then plan how you will go about achieving that.
I have 3 stepkids (well, they're all adults and parents now). I got to know them as teenagers. One (youngest) took to me quite quickly. One (eldest) never took to me at all, however has mellowed the past 4-5 years. The middle one has always been ok with me, and we get on very well, but has been distant from both of us for a couple of years.
I've always accepted that I can't make any decisions, and can't contradict their mum. That would be lethal. And it has always been hard for their mum, as she is always in the middle. It can't be good for her to constantly have the 2 people she loves most in the world constantly moaning to her about each other.

I always accepted from the start that mrs jelly would have the final say on anything parenting wise. I've never contradicted her, although we can disagree, and she will hear my concerns. However, her decisions have always been final. You're likely to need to accept that, and you will need to make some significant compromises.

I have always tried to be a friend first to her kids. I have always been honest with them, including when there are things that concern me. Importantly, they have always known that I want the best for their mom. I think a lot of the acceptance from them has come from having their moms best interests at the key of as much as I can do.

There's no doubt it has been challenging, for all of us. Equally, it has been hugely positive for all of us too. It's a very gradual, and evolutionary thing. There is no magic switch. It's a daily effort, but one that is worthwhile.

In the almost 17(!) years we have been together, we've now got to a stage where the youngest prefers to think of me as her dad, and won't correct anyone who mistakes me for her real dad. I'm not supposed to know that she likes it when people do that.

All that said, their mum comes first, to all of them.

 

[lemonjelly]

Cheers my dear !

Where you been all week ?

I have had a few days off for a combination of reasons. Work has been intense, and that means screen time has been high.
To be honest, my mental health hasn't been great for a little while. So I've been working on myself a little to try to improve that.
Ain't 100% yet, but definitely getting there

 

[Paul]

You know where I am if you need anything !

 

[lemonjelly]

Just knowing I have friends has been enough mate.
It was just a blip, and compared to some friends and family I have, pretty minor in comparison.
I've much to be thankful for, so am focussed on that (and 4pm tomorrow!)

 

[Dire Wolf]

On the stepson thing, at the end of the day, you're going to have to discuss this with your good lady.
However, equally, don't assume he will always be this way. There will be other factors that will trigger his wanting to change too.

It sounds like you want him to change instantly. This is not going to happen. Have a think about what you want, and then plan how you will go about achieving that.
I have 3 stepkids (well, they're all adults and parents now). I got to know them as teenagers. One (youngest) took to me quite quickly. One (eldest) never took to me at all, however has mellowed the past 4-5 years. The middle one has always been ok with me, and we get on very well, but has been distant from both of us for a couple of years.
I've always accepted that I can't make any decisions, and can't contradict their mum. That would be lethal. And it has always been hard for their mum, as she is always in the middle. It can't be good for her to constantly have the 2 people she loves most in the world constantly moaning to her about each other.

I always accepted from the start that mrs jelly would have the final say on anything parenting wise. I've never contradicted her, although we can disagree, and she will hear my concerns. However, her decisions have always been final. You're likely to need to accept that, and you will need to make some significant compromises.

I have always tried to be a friend first to her kids. I have always been honest with them, including when there are things that concern me. Importantly, they have always known that I want the best for their mom. I think a lot of the acceptance from them has come from having their moms best interests at the key of as much as I can do.

There's no doubt it has been challenging, for all of us. Equally, it has been hugely positive for all of us too. It's a very gradual, and evolutionary thing. There is no magic switch. It's a daily effort, but one that is worthwhile.

In the almost 17(!) years we have been together, we've now got to a stage where the youngest prefers to think of me as her dad, and won't correct anyone who mistakes me for her real dad. I'm not supposed to know that she likes it when people do that.

All that said, their mum comes first, to all of them.

Thanks lemon, lots of positive things in there. A lot rings true, I have a pretty good and easy going relationship with my partner's daughter who is coming up to 20, though that has had its tricky points too. It is undeniably hard work and has been a cause of most rocky moments in our relationship.

 

[lemonjelly]

You're welcome mate.
I feel that every time I did something positive for their mum, they started to trust me a little more.
Even so, when we talked of getting our own home together, the girls were all very keen to ensure their mums interests were looked after/protected!
I'm still learning. I still make mistakes. But at least we know we can all talk about these mistakes and learn from them, rather than berate each other.
FWIW, I have a fantastic relationship with all their kids. And all 3 have at some point sidled up to me and talked about times when they realised I was ok.

edit - have to say when I understood how mrs jelly felt when caught in the middle of us that upset me, and I stopped being so frustrated with so many things and compromised or just let things go. Have to say that helped so much! I found that I was making things into bigger problems than they really were.

 

[PPB]

Can some one please put me straight.

I had two family members coming round tomorrow for a bbq in the garden. Is this still ok to do so? Is it only illegal in the spiked areas? Some folk telling me it's ok, some telling me no it's not. FFS, is it worth it for some ribs, burger and a bastard hot dog!

 

[Tony Towner]

Can some one please put me straight.

I had two family members coming round tomorrow for a bbq in the garden. Is this still ok to do so? Is it only illegal in the spiked areas? Some folk telling me it's ok, some telling me no it's not. FFS, is it worth it for some ribs, burger and a bastard hot dog!

Yes it's fine

 

[PPB]

Yes it's fine

Thank you TT

 

[Parkins left foot]

TT is right - unless you are in the restricted areas then you are fine - though even if you are then moving the event to the nearest park appears to be fine

How that makes sense then I have no idea

 

[Tom Hark]

TT is right - unless you are in the restricted areas then you are fine - though even if you are then moving the event to the nearest park appears to be fine

How that makes sense then I have no idea

Don't shoot the messenger, but officially it's because you usually have to go through people's houses to get to their garden.

 

[MARKakaJIM]

Don't shoot the messenger, but officially it's because you usually have to go through people's houses to get to their garden.

I'd wager there are more gardens you can access without going through the house than vice versa.

I've generally thought that the idea behind such restricts in family gatherings in personal premises is due to the level of affection that would be shown in those situations, relatives hugging, kissing, etc. which probably wouldn't be anything like as commonplace in public settings, eliminate that direct contact and the chances of spreading are vastly reduced.

 

[Tom Hark]

I'd wager there are more gardens you can access without going through the house than vice versa.

I've generally thought that the idea behind such restricts in family gatherings in personal premises is due to the level of affection that would be shown in those situations, relatives hugging, kissing, etc. which probably wouldn't be anything like as commonplace in public settings, eliminate that direct contact and the chances of spreading are vastly reduced.

Sounds very plausible. I was just relating what Hancock the point Parkin raised was put to him.

 

[Tredman]

Anyone had or driven a Mazda Bongo? Fed up with tenting and am tempted to get one of these dirt cheap for occasional use.

 

[Pablowolf]

Mate of mine has one and absolutely loves it.

 

[Tredman]

They are really really cheap, just got to watch out for rust from what I can see.

Was going to be a new tent for nearly a grand, but can get one of these in decent nick for 4-5k.