The Laughter Cemetery

[The Bear]

I told my mate that I was a big fan of Beyoncé.

He said, “Whatever floats your boat..."

I said, “No, that’s buoyancy”

 

[Hereford Wolf]

Cosmetic surgery used to be taboo. Now, if you mention ‘Botox’ no one raises an eyebrow.

 

[Hereford Wolf]

God: “Guess what? I’ve just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth!”
Saint Peter: “That sounds great! What are you going to do next?”
God: “I think I’m going to call it a day”.

 

[The Bear]

I've made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet.

It's ruggish.

 

[The Bear]

Two wind turbines in a field, one says to the other...

"Whats your favourite type of music?"

The other one replied "I'm a huge metal fan".

 

[The Bear]

I just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid twat in morse code.

 

[PPB]

I once had a conversation with a dolphin.

We just clicked.

 

[The Bear]

My wife once went to prison for beating her ex-husband with his guitars! At trial the judge said “first offender?”

“No!” she said, “first a Gibson, then a Fender!”

 

[BillyDee]

My wife once went to prison for beating her ex-husband with his guitars! At trial the judge said “first offender?”

“No!” she said, “first a Gibson, then a Fender!”

This joke has gone down very well at the folk music night at my club tonight...

 

[Paul]

I was sexually assaulted by a group of mimes...........they did unspeakable things to me.

 

[Hereford Wolf]

Just trying to read the Led Zeppelin wikipedia entry about when Jimmy went missing, but it says Page Not Found

 

[The Bear]

I’ve been recommended the new Adam Ant diet.

Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever....

 

[PPB]

I’ve been recommended the new Adam Ant diet.

Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever....

:icon_lol:

 

[Langers]

I hated my job as one of the members of an ABBA tribute band, but I utterly detested singing our cover of Bohemian Rhapsody. Sometimes I wish I'd never been Bjorn at all.

 

[Keef]

That's better than the busker I saw the other day covering Swedish pop songs on a didgeridoo,heard him and thought mmm that's abbarigional

 

[The Bear]

Why is Mickey Mouse's helicopter no use in Scotland?

Disneyland.

 

[The Bear]

I went to a fetish restaurant last night.

I got toed in the hole.

 

[Kenny]

I got toed in the hole.

You been trying to find a way of using that since Lee Mack used it in Not Going Out the other week?

 

[The Bear]

No. I have a few of them recorded still to watch at the minute. Thanks for ruining it for me!

 

[Kenny]

Thanks for ruining it for me!

:icon_lol: