The Laughter Cemetery

[James]

According to the X-Box Kinect adverts, I am the controller.

So whenever I lose a game, I swear and then throw myself at the wall.

Looks like we have a new member of frank's Joke Club

 

[Wolf Hunting]

MOD ALERT!!

Can you guys please distinguish between this thread which was set up for Frank's shite Christmas Cracker drivel and the like and decent jokes which should go into the 'JOKES' thread.
If everything gets thrown into here, the good stuff will get suffocated by the shite. And then giving him this thread will become a waste of time.

Crap jokes in here, good ones in the 'Jokes' thread.
Thanks.

 

[Stan Hullis]

I have adjusted the title accordingly WH

 

[Langers]

Good work, Stan.

 

[James]

The Laughter Cemetery :icon_lol:

 

[Wolf Hunting]

The Laughter Cemetery :icon_lol:

I know! The things us boys get up to in the Cave!!

Tch!

Actually that was a terriffic title Stan.

 

[Tom Hark]

I know! The things us boys get up to in the Cave!!

Tch!

Actually that was a terriffic title Stan.

As, indeed, it was when I first suggested it. Get those mod-coloured specs off, WH!!

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?"

 

[Wolf Hunting]

As, indeed, it was when I first suggested it. Get those mod-coloured specs off, WH!!

Oh! Sorry Tom!

I wasn't sure actually as I typed it, I think Stan put it up in the Modcave - obviously having got it from you.

Have to tell you mate, it was a FAR better idea when YOU FIRST THOUGHT OF IT!! :asskiss:

(Apologies for not checking it first. Did you see the way Stan came flying out saying, "It wasn't mine, it was Tom's...? But if I'd have got away with, I'd have pinched it off you!)

:devilsmile:

 

[Wolf Hunting]

I was told we had some funny jokes being sent to us from Spain...

I was SO looking forward to putting them in the 'Jokes' thread, and then I opened them, and.. well... here they are. Away you go Frank, laughing fit to bust.

1. Joe says to Paddy,
"Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, ‘cos Oi wasn't even at home yesterday."


2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what’re ye doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been gettin’ on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended Oi do something sexy to attracter....”


3. Paddy says to Mick, “Oi'm ready for a holiday, only this year Oi'm going to do it a bit different.
T’ree years ago Oi went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago Oi went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year Oi went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.”
Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?”
Paddy replies, “Oi'll take her wit’ me!”


4. Paddy goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue .
He sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows.
He shouts up, “Oi'm Paddy-John Dara O'Neill, the Oirish rugby player! Jump and Oi'll catch ye’s”.
A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her, a guy jumps and Paddy gets him too.
Then a black guy jumps and Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up, “Come on now folks, there's no point t’rowin down the burnt ones!!


5. Paddy says to Mick,
"Christmas is on a Friday this year."
Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


6. Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick says: "What if one explodes, before we get there?"
Paddy answered: "We'll lie and say we only found two."


7. Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and Oi’ve just feckin’ wet mine."

 

[Tom Hark]

Oh! Sorry Tom!

Did you see the way Stan came flying out saying, "It wasn't mine, it was Tom's...? But if I'd have got away with, I'd have pinched it off you!

Yeah, my first thought was to give him a verbal slap, but then I thought he's probably got enough to cope with, living in Hull, so I decided to take it out on you instead. Anyway, that latest torrent of comedy landfill more than makes amends.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Anyway, that latest torrent of comedy landfill more than makes amends.

Great expression. Even better than your 'Laughter Cemetary!

 

[Tom Hark]

Great expression. Even better than your 'Laughter Cemetary!

You do realise I'm married?

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

I hereby suggest that Tom Hark be promoted to Moderator responsible for transferring decent jokes out of the "Landfill" site to the original jokes thread.

Anyone who can come up with TWO such great titles clearly has a brain cell or more than the combined moddlers we have now.

Cypro makes you funny, when you're alone pay attention and get back on the beer frank

 

[Mrs Tisi]

I think Frank should get a knighthood in the Queens honours list for services to comedy.

 

[Langers]

I think Frank should get a knighthood in the Queens honours list for services to comedy.

I disagree, but you should be made a Dame for putting up with him.

Dame Tisi sounds pretty good to me.

 

[Wolf Hunting]

Yes to that. I think you should change her username Langers.

And Frank's to 'Manager, Comedy Landfill Site'.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

 

[east-coast-wolves]

Ok, these probably deserve to go here. But I love them anyway.
=========================================
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What do you get if you cross a football team with an ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla.

Why didnt the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with.

Why did the shipwrecked sailor grab a bar of soap?
To wash himself ashore.

A blonde sees a sign saying "Airport Left". She turns round and goes home.

My mate says I'm not funny.

==============================================

Personally I think the last one is the best...

 

[The Bear]

It's certainly the most accurate.