Tamworth Football Club have just won the World Cup. Not the club world cup, the FIFA World Cup 2034, held in the footballing powerhouse that is Morrocco.
With SEVEN Tamworth players in the England starting the line up and 3 more on the bench, this is a new world record for World Cup winners from a single club team.
Not only that, but it was achieved in some style, with Richie Legend’s England side scoring a phenomenal 30 goals in the tournament, breaking Hungary’s record of 27, scored in 1954. No side had scored more than 20 goals since France in 1958.
The highlight of the tournament came in the round of 16, watched by nearly 80,000 people in Casablanca, as England ROMPED to 8-2 victory against old foes Argentina. What’s more remarkable is that all 8 goals were scored by Tamworth players – 21 year old Hugo Lawton with 5, equalling Oleg Salenko’s forty year old record. The match was the highest scoring knockout game in World Cup history.
(it’s at this point I feel that football is coming home and start writing live)
The quarter final against Egypt was, perhaps inevitably, something of an “after the lord mayor’s show” affair. A number of changes and instruction to play with less intensity, England made it through with a 3-1 win that – whilst not at their swashbuckling best – was comfortable. Again, all three goals scored by Lambs, with 19 year old Luke Ismali scoring his first two goals for his country, three years after being poached from Boreham Wood for £1.1m.
The semi-final saw England, on the favourable side of the draw, face South Korea in Casablanca. The Red Devils didn’t read the script – going ahead in the 4th minute before Hugo Lawton equalised in the 19th minute, bagging his 9th goal of the competition. Just when you think England are in control, South Korea re-take the lead in 1st half stoppage time. Legend was understandably furious with his side at half time, and was forced to ring the changes on the hour as the dominance wasn’t translating into goals. Playing a 3-2-1-4 formation and throwing everything at the South Koreans, it looked like the dream was over until that man Hugo Lawton popped up in the 5th minute of injury time to poke in the equaliser.
The three lions reverted back to their 4-2-3-1 formation for extra time, but disaster struck just before half time when Jamie Corbett was forced off with injury – and with Legend having used all his subs, England had to play the last 15 minutes down to ten men. In a show of remarkable mental strength, England took the lead in the 117th minute, with Man City’s Elijah Parsell scoring his first England goal, before Tamworth’s Phil Doughty added his 6th of the competition to make it 4-2 in added time of extra time. England fans were very relieved to see the final would be played in 7 days time, allowing plenty of rest after what was an incredibly demanding semi-final.
Sunday, 23rd of July 2034 – 68 years after their last world cup final – England were ready to face off against Spain, who were overwhelming favourites for the match.
Back in Casablanca for one last push, England found themselves without captain Jude Bellingham, and Tamworth youngster Jason Dann, both suspended for what would be the biggest day of their lives.
The game started of cagily, with neither side creating anything of note until the 26th minute, when Barcelona legend Gavi put Spain ahead after a well worked move. England once again grabbed a vital injury time goal, with – who else – that man Hugo Lawton equalising with a piledriver from fully thirty yards out to ensure the sides went in at half time level. Spain had had the better of the half, no doubt, and England were perhaps fortunate to go in at 1-1. The second half began much as the first, with no real opportunities for either side, and as the half wore on, Spain were getting more of a foothold on the game, but unable to take advantage of their superiority. Full time came, and then a minute into extra time Spain found themselves down to ten men – could England take the initiative? It certainly looked like they would, peppering the Spanish goalkeeper with shots and then, in the 112th minute, Rico Lewis crossed to Lawton who headed home to put England in the lead…but was cruelly denied by VAR, which is obviously corrupt as fuck, even in FM land. England huffed and puffed, and it only seemed a matter of time until they found a winner – but time, in the end, was their enemy, and Spain held on, taking the game to penalties.
The shootout started with remarkable quality, the first 4 all being battered into the corner. Ibrahimovic stepped up confidently for Spain’s third and…SAVED! Advantage England! Both sides scored their next two, and captain Reece James stepped up to take the decisive penalty kick. Three steps, deep breath. The referee whistles. An eternity passes. He starts his run up…..NOOOOO! Saved! A terrible penalty, straight down the middle! More drama, as Spain’s next taker Valentin is also thwarted by England’s number one. Tariq Avery of Man City steps up, and…he’s scored! England have won the world cup! Scenes of jubilation on the pitch and in the stands, an emotional Richie Legend goes to the kitchen, puts his carrot and coriander soup in the microwave, and makes light hearted conversation to his colleague about how busy he is, whilst wondering if he is in fact one of the greatest footballing minds ever born.